


One Bad Night

by revebaby



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Artist Kang Seulgi, Eventual Smut, F/F, Forgiveness, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalised Homophobia, Journalist Irene, New Year's Eve, Self-Hatred, Unrequited Love, ik the sex scene is bad ive never written stuff like that before pls dont judge me, irene is engaged, joy is a singer, seulgi is a fan of joy, seungwan owns a coffee shop, wendy and seulgi are best friends, yerim and seulgi are best friends, yerim likes seulgi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-23
Updated: 2020-01-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 13:09:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,435
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22377724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revebaby/pseuds/revebaby
Summary: TW// homophobic language is used in this story. There are also some mentions of self-hatred. Please do not read if you are sensitive to those things.It's New Year's Eve. Bae Joohyun is going to be married in a week. She's given one last night with Kang Seulgi.After the countdown, she's going to have to say goodbye to Seulgi forever. Is it wrong to try and prolong this night so she doesn't have to say her goodbyes just yet?(And when Seulgi gives her a  hand to hold onto, will Joohyun take it?)(Title: One Bad Night - Hayley Kiyoko)
Relationships: Bae Joohyun | Irene/Kang Seulgi
Comments: 40
Kudos: 269





	One Bad Night

**Author's Note:**

> ok so before you read these pls note i do not know how to write smut i have only ever read it so im not really??? sure how that goes down?? anyway i hope you enjoy!! i worked super hard on this for maybe half a year and i have something in the works in the same universe as this so pls look forward to it. i hope the language i used for dramatic purposes wasnt too offensive if it was please inform me and i will adjust accordingly!!
> 
> here's the playlist i listened to while writing this story on my yt channel: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL4FX5SMFTdQHuBnrOeVXIUyYqSsZmXvsr  
> here it is on spotify too: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/0Bx2TDaTEPnfdhD7DXt4i8?si=ISzmj5LRQgaqdfWq_Nw-Fg
> 
> you can also search one bad night by cozying on spotify or revebaby on yt!!

It’s eight or nine at night on New Year’s Eve when Joohyun realizes that she’s a really bad person. 

She’s standing over the bed on which Seunghyun, her fiance, lay fast asleep. He’s more peaceful in his sleep. When he’s awake, he gets this little crease between his eyebrows. Stress like that is common in businessmen like Seunghyun or her father. Maybe there’s something else, though, that’s looming over him like a cloud. Maybe it’s her.

And to prove herself right, there’s a full suitcase stood in front of her and one hand is on the doorknob in their bedroom.

‘Baby?’ he croaks when he hears the door creak open. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘It’s my aunt again,’ she says as if she’s on autopilot. ‘She called and said that my cousins can’t stay with her tonight. I can’t leave her alone on New Year’s.’

He hums a response, flops back into the pillow and reaches his hand out for hers.

That’s the thing about Cho Seunghyun. He’s either incredibly gullible or too polite to say anything. This year alone, Joohyun has had three visits to an unnamed aunt who lives somewhere in Daegu and suffers from an unknown condition, four all-expenses-paid work trips and countless late nights at the office thanks to her job as head journalist, and he has not so much as batted an eyelash. It’s both a blessing and a curse in a way.

(But he’s also handsome, wealthy, polite, caring, likeable. Perfect. His being too kind and too gullible is the curse. He’s too good for Joohyun to treat him the way she does.)

‘Okay.’ He yawns. Then he throws the blanket off of him and sits upright. ‘Let me take you at least.’

‘You don’t have to do that. I can get a taxi.’

‘Are you sure?’ 

Joohyun tries to give him a smile, but it probably doesn’t come out right. ‘Yes. Besides, you can’t be late for your meeting tomorrow.’

He gives a slow nod like he wants to insist but knows Joohyun will win at that. ‘Call me when you get there then.’

‘I will.’ She won’t. ‘Go back to sleep.’

‘I’ll see you tomorrow for at lunch?’ he runs a thumb over her hand that he’s holding. 

‘Yes. See you.’ She steps back, removing her hand from his grasp and opening the door a little wider to fit the suitcase through.

‘I love you,’ Seunghyun says, and Joohyun walks out the door like she hasn’t heard anything.

\---

‘Why are you here?’ is what Kang Seulgi says when Joohyun knocks on the door.

(Truthfully, Joohyun doesn’t even have any relatives in Daegu. Sometimes she feels like she can’t breathe where she is. That’s why her feet take her to the last room on the eighth floor of an apartment complex on the outskirts of Seoul. To Kang Seulgi, who first taught her how to breathe.)

Joohyun never really meant to knock on the door that night. Well, that’s what she wants to believe. She told herself the moment Seunghyun proposed at some family reunion or another that she would stop this, that she couldn’t keep this up. And yet, a week away from her wedding, with a cake and dress and venue all set up nice, she’s back at Kang Seulgi’s house knocking on the cheap wooden door.

‘Why are you here?’ Kang Seulgi says.

‘I wanted to see you,’ Joohyun replies.

‘Oh,’ Seulgi says. She looks down at the floor like she too is facing a battle between her head and her heart. Heart seems to win again because she opens the door wider just a second later, rushing to help Joohyun lift the suitcase over the threshold. That suitcase is too heavy for one night. Two nights, even. Joohyun always lays this pretending on thick in case Seunghyun learns to put two and two together. He hasn’t. Or maybe he just doesn’t want to say it.

‘Chamomile?’ Seulgi asks, then rushes over to the kitchen counter and puts on the kettle without waiting for an answer because she already knows what Joohyun likes. Joohyun leaves her suitcase by the door and heads for the ratty old sofa that sits in the living room/kitchen of the apartment, way too comfortable in an apartment that is no longer hers.

There are old duvets and pillows from the bedroom piled into one corner of the sofa. This can mean one thing. Seulgi’s engrossing herself in her work: either because she’s hit a slump, or because she’s hit a goldmine of inspiration. Joohyun looks up, and to prove herself right, the easel is out, carrying a barely half-finished canvas. Slump it must be.

When Joohyun sits, she feels something digging into the side of her thigh. There’s a leather sketchbook on the sofa like the one Joohyun had bought Seulgi all those Christmases ago, clearly much more interesting than that painting because a girl’s face is sketched out in pencil. It’s still missing shading, but the picture is there. She’s off-guard. Her face seems bare, and she’s looking down at her phone. Seulgi has a way of picturing people in vulnerability like that.

Joohyun suddenly remembers a time when Seulgi would draw her, whining every time she moved or tried to sneak a peek at the work in progress.

For a second, Joohyun wonders if Seulgi still draws her, still dreams of her and never tells her like Joohyun dreams of Seulgi and never tells her.

But this girl is not her, judging by how the slope of her nose is softer, and how the hair that falls around her face is shorter and lighter. Something stings as she traces the girl’s jawline with her finger. Are those drawings still in this book? She contemplates picking it up and looking but then---

‘Sorry for the mess,’ Seulgi says as she hands Joohyun a cup of hot herbal tea, then picks up the sketchbook and places it safely on the floor next to the sofa. Joohyun thinks she can see just a glimpse of her own face on the other page as Seulgi closes the book, but she knows not to fuel her fantasies.

‘Who is she?’ Joohyun asks even though she knows better.

‘Who?’ 

‘That girl.’

‘Nobody.’ Seulgi takes a small sip and winces when she burns her lips. ‘Just a friend.’

‘Oh.’

Seulgi never really talks about her love life. Joohyun doesn’t blame her. She’s glad if anything. It might hurt too much but Joohyun’s not sure why. Or maybe she is. She just doesn't want to talk about it.

‘I---I didn’t think you would come back. After last time.’

Joohyun doesn’t respond. Silence settles between them. That’s what they seem to do best. When they had loved before, it was in silence, consisting of notes passed in high school classes and hands being held under tables and longing looks that spoke more than either of them could and long, tantalizingly chaste kisses any time they were alone laced with words held on the tip of the tongue. Joohyun’s feelings had cropped up silently, or had she just never wanted to notice?

Prom night it was. When Joohyun started to realize that that pounding of her heart around Seulgi was something not normal. Joohyun never did like a cliche. Seulgi had accepted some confession of first love or whatever from a friend of a friend of a friend in the form of a box of chicken nuggets. If he cared to get to know her, he’d know she was never big on fried food. The worst part was that he wasn’t even the best candidate for Seulgi to have chosen.

She was popular, well-liked. Unlike Joohyun, who was well-feared, courtesy of her quiet demeanour and naturally disdainful resting face. Joohyun had suffered through two whole months of random boys from every class of every year asking Seulgi out, and she has to admit that Seulgi picked the worst one possible.

‘I feel bad for him,’ Seulgi told her when she asked. Whispered, really, because he was sat in front of them giving Seulgi little smiles every now and then. ‘I heard Minji, Hayoung and Yoona all rejected him. Minji even laughed at him.’

‘He sure is in love with a lot of people.’

‘He has a big heart.’ That’s Kang Seulgi. Always trying to see the best in people, even to a fault.

On the night of the dance, Joohyun sat alone in a school gymnasium after some boy who didn’t know her reputation asked her to dance and called her a stuck-up bitch when she said no. She spent her time watching people in the crowd dance (namely, watching Seulgi dance). Just then, Seulgi’s date pulled her closer to him by the arm. Maybe it was the lighting, but Joohyun remembers a pink bracelet of indents pressed into Seulgi’s skin. She tried to lean away, but he was stronger. He pressed one disgusting kiss to her lips. Joohyun swears she saw red. She’d pushed through the crowd, put herself between them, and with one small fist, she struck the boy in the face so hard his nose began to leak dark red blood. 

That didn’t help her reputation. Especially not when rumours spread that she broke the boy’s nose or knocked his teeth out or that he had to have stitches. Definitely not when she and Seulgi were escorted out of the gymnasium immediately after. Not that either of them wanted to stay.

‘I think,’ Seulgi began, slowly, quietly, as they sat on the steps of the entrance of their school waiting for Seulgi’s dad to pick them up, ‘that I didn’t want to kiss him because he was a boy.’

‘What do you mean?’ Joohyun asked her. But she wasn’t stupid. She knew what that meant. She’d heard her father hiss about “those _lesbians_ down the street” before she even knew what it meant for a girl to love a girl. She just didn’t want to give herself false hope.

‘I---I think I might like girls,’ Seulgi said, digging at her thigh with one of the pearly hair clips she was wearing. She didn’t dare look up.

If Joohyun’s honest, she ran out of things to say then and there. She’s never been good at talking about feelings. Maybe that’s what got them where they are today.

So she didn’t say anything. Just reached out to place an arm around Seulgi’s shoulders. Seulgi keened into the touch.

‘Do you hate me?’ she asked quietly.

‘How could I?’ Joohyun breathed a laugh. ‘You’re still Kang Seulgi.’

Seulgi glanced at her with glittering eyes and a soft smile on her face. Joohyun was suddenly aware of how close they were, and she let go.

‘So you’d kiss him if he was a girl?’

‘No,’ she said with a breathy scoff. ‘He’s not all that.’

‘He’s hideous. But I thought you liked him.’

Seulgi shook her head. ‘Nah, not him.’

‘Who then? Someone I know?’

‘Maybe,’ Seulgi said, finally holding the hair clip between her palms, resting them between her thighs. 

‘Is it me?’ Joohyun said, trying to lighten the mood. It was stupid of her. Seulgi folded up a bit smaller, drawing her knees to her chest

‘Maybe. Would you hate me if it was?’

‘No,’ she told Seulgi. ‘No, I don’t think I would.’

That was the start. They became attached at the hip after that. Not really as friends, not really as lovers. Even now, as she sits in silence with Seulgi who stares at nothing as she sips her tea, she can’t say that that person is her lover or friend or family or enemy. Maybe a mix of all of them. Who knows, who cares.

But when Joohyun lifts the cup of tea to her lips again and Seulgi’s gaze moves with it, she realizes she isn’t looking at nothing after all. She’s watching the enviable 18-carat diamond engagement ring on Joohyun’s ring finger like she’s trying to burn through it with her eyes, or like it’s burning through her.

‘I thought you said you were going to think about it.’

That night that Seunghyun had got down on one knee in front of Joohyun’s entire family and her mother had given her an urgent, expectant smile, she felt like she had no other choice but to mutter a yes and let him place that ring on her hand and smile back at her family politely. She’d made excuses for late nights at work for a week straight after that, just so she and Seulgi could make small talk over glasses of cheap wine and debate whether those were stars or planes flying up above them in Seoul’s night skies wrapped up in a blanket together. It doesn’t matter what they do. As long as Seulgi’s there.

‘What are you going to do?’ Seulgi had asked her in a small voice that was worried, almost afraid.

‘I’m going to think about it,’ Joohyun said, but she made sure to put the ring back on the next time she saw Seunghyun so he knew it was undeniably a yes. That would be for the best.

‘Last time, you said you were going to think about it,’ Seulgi repeats. Joohyun doesn’t look her in the eye. She doesn’t even turn her head in her direction. Maybe other people would get mad, but not Seulgi. 

‘I know.’

‘So it’s a yes, then?’

‘It is.’

‘Then why did you come back?’ she asks, firmly but gently still. Seulgi has a way of making people feel vulnerable. Joohyun might be reserved and Joohyun might love silently but Seulgi is not and Seulgi does not. Seulgi feels what she feels and expresses it unashamedly. Seulgi is unabashedly and unapologetically herself at all times, and it’s a beautiful but intimidating thing to see. 

‘Please speak to me, Joohyun.’ She places the cup of now lukewarm tea on the floor because she doesn’t have a coffee table. ‘What do you want from me? You’re going to be married.’

‘I was just in the area and I wanted to see you,’ Joohyun mumbles. It’s half true, except that Joohyun would never come anywhere close to this apartment complex if not to see Seulgi because every single corner brings back memories that sucker punch her right in the chest.

‘I don’t believe you,’ Seulgi mumbles. She knows Joohyun too well. ‘When you said he proposed, I thought that might be the end of whatever this is. I thought that maybe you learned to love him. I thought you’d stop coming to see me.’

Joohyun plays with the string of the teabag like she hasn’t even heard anything. Sometimes she wishes she could be a bit more like Seulgi. Open.

‘Is this---is this really what you want? Do you want to marry him?’

‘Yes,’ Joohyun says without thinking.

‘Do you love him?’

‘It’s what’s best for me.’

‘But do you love him?’

‘He’s kind. He’s a good husband.’

‘But do you love him, Joohyun?’

She doesn’t answer.

‘So why go through with it, then?’

‘He’s good for me, Seulgi. He’s wealthy and my parents like him.’ She places the cup down on the floor gently because her stomach is twisting into a knot.

‘Your parents aren’t going to be marrying him.’

‘I know,’ Joohyun says.

Seulgi inhales sharply and stands. ‘I have work to do,’ she says, walking over to the easel.

‘Sorry?’

‘Leave, Joohyun, please. I can’t do this anymore. I'm sorry.'

And Joohyun won’t put up a fight. No, Seulgi only has to tell her when and she’ll pack up and leave the country. Seulgi could tell her to jump off a bridge and she would do it with no complaints.

So why then, do her eyes start to water when she stands up? When she picks up her suitcase, why do her hands tremble?

She hesitates with her hand on the doorknob as she had earlier, but for a different reason, playing with the chain on the lock.

‘I’m sorry,’ she says. Quietly. She’s quieter these days. Seulgi probably doesn’t even hear it.

Then she opens the door. Hoists that heavy suitcase over the threshold, tries to step forward at the same time. She ends up getting stuck in the doorframe. When she tugs on the suitcase, she falls onto her hands and knees. Tears are blurring her vision now, slowly dripping onto the floor. 

She feels a hand on her shoulder pulling her up. Seulgi’s touch is both comforting and scalding. She stands by herself onto shaky legs. Seulgi still picks up her suitcase for her, though. This is one of those moments where she feels… small in front of Seulgi. Naked, almost. 

‘Are you crying?’ Seulgi asks, mouth opening and closing as she grasps for something to say.

Joohyun gets like this sometimes. Just three of four minutes where her emotions get the better of her before she can sweep them all under the carpet again. If she were open like Seulgi, maybe she wouldn’t have such big outbursts. One can only dream.

‘No,’ she sniffles.

‘Joohyun, I---’ she sighs. Her hands hover like she’s debating whether or not to reach out to her. ‘I’m sorry if I was harsh.’

‘You’re never harsh.’

‘Yeah.’ She breathes a laugh. Deafening. Heavenly.

There’s a silence then.

‘I’ll see you around,’ Joohyun finds herself saying. She reaches for the doorknob again, to open it a little wider. ‘Nevermind, I mean... You know.’

‘Wait,’ says Seulgi. She holds Joohyun back by her wrist. ‘Wait, Joohyun.’

‘Yes?’ 

Joohyun half wishes for Seulgi to confess her love right there, to suggest that they run away together and start a life somewhere where they could be them. The other half wishes Seulgi would at least kiss her goodbye one last time but still let her go on her way. Even though it’s what’s right, it's a no-win situation.

‘I don’t want it to end like this. Not with you crying.’ Of course. That’s Kang Seulgi for you. Always considerate even when she’s trying to break up with someone.

‘It’s fine, Seulgi.’

‘It’s not.’ She bites her lip, thinking hard. ‘Joohyun, if I asked you to stay with me until the end of the countdown tonight,’ she says slowly, ‘can we end this after that?’

  
  


Because Joohyun is addicted to Kang Seulgi, she nods her head. 'Yes,’ she says instantly. ‘Yes, of course.’

‘Really?’

‘Really.’

‘Okay,’ Seulgi says. ‘Where do you want to go?’

\---

Seulgi takes Joohyun to a club in Hongdae first. Why? No clue.

It’s loud, Joohyun can’t even hear her thoughts, and packed with people who reek of alcohol and cigarette smoke, as expected of New Year’s Eve. And Joohyun’s not even in the thick of it. She’s leaning against the wall with a white plastic cup of something that tastes like warm acid in her hand, being jostled every now and then by couples whose own drinks have given them way too much courage judging by the way they make out against the wall like nobody else is there.

Seulgi, however, chose to lose herself in the crowd after handing Joohyun this cup of acid which may taste disgusting but does seem to fill the void in her chest just a little bit. That much she’ll admit.

Then a girl at the bar dressed in a little blue dress gets up to go to the bathroom with two of her friends, and Joohyun practically sprints to the stool. Well, as much as one can sprint in a sea of bodies.

She has a better view from here. Seulgi’s at the edge of the crowd because she’s not keen on tight spaces either. She can lose herself to music she doesn’t even enjoy like nobody else can, that’s what Joohyun notices first. Dancing with her is a girl. Shorter, maybe a little bit taller than Joohyun, with bleach blonde hair that frames the soft features on her face. 

It’s the girl Seulgi was drawing.

It makes sense suddenly. Seulgi has found somebody else. That’s why she wanted to come here. That’s why she wants to end things.

Joohyun doesn’t have the right to be jealous. She’s not. No, that ache in her chest and that feeling of her throat closing up must be because of this drink.

Seulgi deserves someone better. Joohyun should be happy. Why isn’t she happy?

That girl is shameless too. She’s grinding on Seulgi practically, one arm twisting back to caress the back of Seulgi’s head, curling her fingers into the hair there. She, like Seulgi, moves her body easily and thoughtlessly. She doesn’t make a big deal of it, doesn’t care who might be watching them. Joohyun would.

Seulgi seems to be into it because one hand is placed on the girl’s hip. Gently, in a Kang Seulgi type of way. Joohyun feels the ghost of that hand on her wrist and shoulder and it’s still burning.

‘Can I help you?’ the bartender, a guy around Joohyun’s age with a beard asks over the music.

‘No,’ Joohyun responds without looking, nodding to the drink in her hand.

The girl turns around then. Seulgi’s arms go around her waist, the girl’s around Seulgi’s shoulders like they’ve done this before. It’s really hurting. God, she needs something more to take the edge off. 

(Futile, because she has searched far and wide for alcohol to make her happy again. They don’t make anything that strong. That’s why she doesn’t really drink anymore.)

‘Actually, more of this, please,’ she tells the bartender, handing over the cup. He sniffs it once, and Joohyun is surprised how he doesn’t choke. 

‘What was this? Jack Daniels neat?’

‘You can tell that just by smelling it?’

He laughs kindly. ‘Been here a while,’ he says with a smile as he reaches behind him for a bottle. He pours it into Joohyun’s cup. ‘Here. It’s a double.’

‘Meaning?’ she asks, taking a sip, then grimacing. It’s as acidic as ever.

‘Two shots.’

Joohyun looks back to the dancefloor at precisely the wrong time. They’re closer now if that’s even possible. So close that their bodies are touching. The girl reaches a hand up like she’s going to caress Seulgi’s head again. No, more like she’s going to pull Seulgi into a kiss. 

She looks away and downs half of her drink.

‘Hey, could I have your number---’

‘I’m engaged,’ Joohyun tells him, switching the cup to her left hand so her ring is visible.

‘Oh,’ says the bartender. ‘Well, she’s a lucky girl.’

Joohyun turns so quickly that she feels a pain in her neck, choking on the drink a little bit. The man says nothing, simply nods to the sea of bodies where Seulgi is. She’s looking this way now. Almost guiltily. Joohyun stares back, confused. Seulgi’s eyebrows furrow together, that little crease between them forming. Joohyun knows her enough to know this look means there is something she has to do or say, something desperate.

Seulgi breaks their eye contact. She takes the girl’s hand in hers and takes her in the direction of the bathroom. And Joohyun, like the idiot she is, just stares after them. For the third time in her life, she’s watching Kang Seulgi walk away from her and she’s too afraid to tell her that she wants her to stay.

\---

Seulgi wasn’t the one to end it before.

One might expect that much. Joohyun’s always been the one to resist, the one who avoided Seulgi’s touches in public, the one who lied to her parents about seeing some boy from work. All Seulgi ever wanted was to be loved.

Joohyun can’t forget how Seulgi's smile had cracked in half when she turned around and saw Joohyun with four bags of things she had moved to Seulgi’s apartment sleepover by sleepover at her feet.

‘What are you trying to say?’ she asked. Joohyun couldn’t look at her face anymore, but she could imagine. She probably had that little wrinkle between her eyebrows, her mouth might be looking for something to say. No, instead, Joohyun chose to look at the wall next to the front door. One set of keys hung above one pair of shoes. It was strange. She'd gotten used to twos of everything. She never had any space for loneliness in her life. Now it's the only thing she doesn't know how to suppress.

In true Bae Joohyun fashion, she didn’t answer Seulgi. She just kept her arms folded across her stomach and tried to ignore that ache in the space where her heart was supposed to be.

‘I thought you were happy with me.’ Her voice cracked halfway through. Joohyun closed her eyes tight. ‘I thought you loved me.’

‘I just can’t do this anymore, Seulgi. I’m sorry,’ Joohyun had said quietly.

She tried to justify it by saying anyone in her position would feel this way. When Joohyun told her parents that she loved a woman, her father had downed the rest of his scotch and left the living room muttering something Joohyun's glad she didn't hear and doesn’t speak to her in full sentences anymore, and her mother went back to her knitting like she hadn’t heard anything but kept giving her these concerned looks for weeks after as if she was asking herself where she went wrong.

Seulgi should understand better than anyone. Seulgi's parents won’t talk to her anymore.

‘Go then, if that’s what you want.’ There wasn’t any bite present. There never is with Kang Seulgi. ‘I won’t hold you back.’

If only she had. If only Seulgi had held her by the wrist then or kissed her so deeply she forgot why she ever even wanted to leave. If only Joohyun was brave enough to tell Seulgi how much she wanted to stay.

\---

Seulgi comes back about five minutes later. They must have made short work of whatever that was.

‘Hey,’ she says easily. She orders an Amaretto sour.

‘Where’s that girl?’ Joohyun asks before she can help herself. Seulgi gives her a clueless look. ‘That blonde girl.’

‘Who, Yerim? She’s with her friends.’ Seulgi takes the cup into her hands. It smells way better than whatever Joohyun had.

That’s the end of that. Joohyun wants to ask more, but she doesn’t have the right anymore. Instead, she finishes off her drink.

‘So, um, do you wanna dance?’

‘You know I don’t dance.’

‘I know you don’t dance in front of people, but what about with me?’

Joohyun thinks back to their prom night when Seulgi and Joohyun had spent the rest of their time dancing outside the gymnasium to TVXQ and 2NE1. Seulgi has always moved in a way that’s totally her. Uncaring of what anybody might be, unapologetically herself. Joohyun felt kind of jealous seeing it. Then Seulgi reached her hands out and they were dancing together and Joohyun felt free.

Seulgi grins at her, holds her free hand out in invitation. Joohyun takes it. It’s soft and warm like she remembers.

Seulgi leads them to the thinnest part of the crowd, but it’s still too much. Surrounding them Joohyun sees a lot of exposed leg and chest and shoulders and she feels kind of... different. Alienated, in her blouse and peacoat and an old pair of jeans Seulgi had bought her way back when and the mascara that has run down her face.

Then Seulgi’s moving, and Joohyun feels worse. She’s the only still person in the throng. The only one who’s afraid, even with all that alcohol in her.

Seulgi might notice it because she stops. She pulls Joohyun close by her elbow and whispers into her ear, ‘Pretend it’s just us. Focus on me, not them.’

(She pretends her breath doesn’t hitch in her throat.)

She pulls away, gives a little smile, and she’s dancing again. Seulgi dances like she paints or draws. In a way that’s captivating but intimidating. In a way that presents who she is on a silver platter and does not ask to be liked. That’s what’s so attractive about Seulgi. She puts everything she has into the things she loves. Maybe that’s why she loves the way she does, with every single fibre in her body. 

She takes Joohyun’s hands and sways them from side to side. And then it’s just the two of them. Joohyun’s not a dancer. She isn’t awful but she’s no Kang Seulgi. When she’s with Seulgi, alone with Seulgi, she can let herself go. She isn’t as stiff. Even amid the cigarette smoke, Joohyun feels like she can finally breathe again.

People are jostling about them, knocking into them, but Joohyun barely notices. It moves them a little closer each time until from thirty centimetres maybe ten are left.

‘Is this alright?’ Seulgi whispers.

‘Yes,’ she says. More than alright. Heavenly, Joohyun wants to say.

‘Okay,’ Seulgi says. And when a man bumps into Joohyun, pushing them further together, Seulgi's arm goes around her waist like it’s an instinct.

Somehow, from ten centimetres, nothing is left.

It’s then that it hits Joohyun. This is the last night she’ll ever be able to have Seulgi in her arms. Maybe it’s the whiskey. Maybe it’s just Joohyun. She puts her arms around Seulgi, closes whatever distance there is left if any. Seulgi encases her even if she’s stiff at first. Then Joohyun buries her head in the space between Seulgi’s shoulder and neck. And there they are, slow dancing to generic pop music just like all those years ago. 

Seulgi still smells the same too. Like acrylic paint (even though she prefers watercolours), maybe that’s because she’s still wearing the white shirt she likes to paint in, like something sweet, maybe it’s all those strawberry lattes she drinks from the coffee shop she works at, and like the detergent they used to wash their clothes with, the smell that Joohyun has now replaced with expensive perfumes Seunghyun buys her. That doesn’t matter now, because all Joohyun knows is Seulgi. Her mother and her father and Cho Seunghyun can’t get her here.

It’s times like these, dangerous times, that Joohyun begins to wonder if she made a mistake when she left Seulgi.

Everything is perfect. Joohyun wants to open her eyes. She wants to see Seulgi now, while she still has the chance. 

So she opens her eyes slowly. The moment she lifts her head, down comes a large hand onto Seulgi’s shoulder.

They jump apart, bumping into the people surrounding them. Joohyun has been pulled right back down to Earth by now.

The man is tall. Really tall. Taller than Seulgi, even. He’s wide, muscular, and he is closing the distance between him and Seulgi with a few large footsteps.

He says something to her, and she shakes her head. Then he laughs, displaying two sets of large teeth like some sort of animal, and says something else. Joohyun can’t hear over the music, but it can’t be good. 

As she gets closer, she can hear his slurred voice. He’s very, very drunk. Joohyun’s blood runs cold.

‘... to my house, bring your little girlfriend along!’

Seulgi crosses her arms, looks down at the floor. He laughs again, mocking, superior. He reaches out to her, grabs her jaw and forces her gaze up to him. 

‘Come on, baby,’ he says. Seulgi pulls away from him, her eyes scanning the crowd. When they settle on Joohyun, she gives her a _Let’s get out of here. Right now._ kind of look.

‘Just your number.’

‘I---I don’t want to,’ Seulgi says in a small voice. He might not even hear.

‘Why not?’ he asks. ‘Huh? Am I too ugly?’

Then he’s giving that hearty laugh again, and Joohyun feels sick. Seulgi doesn’t answer, she keeps staring at the floor. She silently reaches for Joohyun’s hand. Maybe she's scared and hopes he won’t see.

‘Why don’t you give her a kiss?’ the man sneers at Joohyun. ‘That’ll loosen her up a bit.’

‘Excuse me?’

‘I said, why don’t you give her a kiss? Go on.’

Joohyun isn’t going to be quiet right now. She stares at the man as assertively as she can, which is hard when the person you want to intimidate is a good foot taller than you.

‘You’re the one that wears the pants then, huh?’ 

‘Fuck you.’

He startles a bit at that, scoffs. ‘That’s not very ladylike. I wonder what your parents would think. What do they think about her, hm?’ he asks Seulgi. She doesn’t respond, she doesn’t even look at him. Joohyun moves in front of her. 

‘I asked you a question,’ he says to Seulgi. He reaches out to her, pokes her right in the forehead. ‘I’m speaking to you.’

Maybe it's the lighting but Joohyun sees red again. 

So, just like that prom night, she throws one small fist, her left, and hits the man as hard as she can. 

She forgets about that enviable diamond ring.

The man is left cradling his face as the spot where his eye and nose meet begins to bleed. Then when he stands up straight, he swings one fist at her, but his aim is way off. Joohyun only has to step back. 

‘Fucking gays,’ he spits. Joohyun throws another punch, right to his nose, then to the side of his head, and another, and another, and another.

She keeps on that way, throwing punches until his nose begins to bleed and his hands come up to cover his face and Seulgi and someone else pull her away and the bartender from before gets between them, but Joohyun keeps fighting until the end.

‘Hey,’ Seulgi whispers in her ear despite her thrashing. ‘Hey, Hyun.’

Then she stops.

Seulgi is hanging onto her arm gently with an expression like admiration or adoration written in that little smile. Next to her is that blonde girl from before. Yerin? Yerim?

‘I see why you like her,’ she says to Seulgi, who immediately turns beetroot red and elbows her. ‘She’s less of a loser than I thought.’

‘I hurt that man,’ Joohyun murmurs. She wonders what her mother would think.

‘He had it coming,’ Yerim says. She’s like Seulgi, impossible to hate. Joohyun tries to grin back at her.

‘Excuse me,’ the bartender says, ‘but you have to leave.’

‘He started it!’ Joohyun cries.

‘I know,’ he smiles sympathetically. ‘Sorry. It’s just policy. I know it was only self-defence. I'll be sure to tell the police that.'

‘Let’s go,’ Seulgi whispers in her ear. ‘I don’t like it here anymore, anyway.’

The bartender grips his chest in mock offence and Joohyun smiles.

  
  


The street outside is surprisingly quiet and freezing against Joohyun’s cheek, flush with rage.

‘What a butt,’ Seulgi says. Fun fact about Seulgi: she will not swear by any means. Even as an almost-twenty-six-year-old, the worst word she’s ever said is “hell.” It’s endearing. It’s really endearing.

Joohyun breathes a laugh. ‘I know.’

‘I didn’t know you still had that in you,’ Seulgi admits. She sits on the steps of the club with her knees drawn up to her chest.

‘I didn’t either.’ Joohyun sits beside her. Too close, but she doesn’t care. ‘Must be that drink, whatever it was.’

‘JD?’

Joohyun simply blinks at her and Seulgi giggles. 'It's just like old times.'

Yes, maybe it is. Maybe Joohyun has barely changed at all. Maybe she can still learn to listen to her heart again. Is it the "JD" talking?

‘It’s not even ten yet,’ she whines. ‘Where are we supposed to go now?’

‘There are other bars.’ But Joohyun will be damned if she ever enters that scene again.

‘Nah, it’s not our game.’ 

‘That’s true. But then, why did you want to come here in the first place?’

Seulgi hums in thought. ‘Well,’ she begins, ‘I thought if I was with you, it’d be okay. And I thought if you were with me, you’d be okay.’ 

And there goes that pounding in her chest again. 

‘I thought it might have been because of that Yeri girl.’

‘Yerim.’

‘Right. So what’s up with her?’ Joohyun should know better. This is why she doesn’t drink often.

‘What do you mean?’ Seulgi says, breaking eye contact to look up at the few lit-up windows of apartments on this street.

‘Well, you drew her. I thought you might have been dating.’ Joohyun frowns at the thought. ‘And she tried to kiss you earlier.’

‘That’s...' Seulgi takes a big inhale, and lets it out like steam into the night air, a white cloud spewing from her lips. ‘We were dating for a little while. Like a month. She’s nice, really. Funny, too, and pretty. But… I don’t know. I know what it might have looked like, but after she almost kissed me I asked her if we could just keep being friends. You know, before it got too far and I realized that I don’t even like her like that.’

‘Oh,’ Joohyun says. Relief spreads through her like warmth. Is it selfish to hope Seulgi will never love anyone else? That Seulgi will keep thinking of Joohyun and never admitting it like Joohyun thinks of her and never admits it? Is that wrong?

‘She’s good to draw. Pretty.’

‘I don’t date people just to draw them.’

‘Why not give it another try, though? If you know you would be good together?'

Seulgi shrugs, lays her legs out straight. ‘I don’t know. I tried to make it work,’ she says, ‘but she’s just not… I don't know. I really don't.'

It’s quiet, for a while. Joohyun won’t lie. She feels something like shame or relief in her chest poking her every time she breathes in, but she won’t say that. She doesn’t want to ruin this illusion of innocent love while she has it.

Seulgi's eyebrows are beginning to crease like she has something to say.

‘Joohyun,’ Seulgi says suddenly. She pushes herself to her feet. ‘Do you want to get out of here?’

Joohyun makes a little sound, blinks at Seulgi. ‘Where?’ she asks. ‘How, even?’

‘Let’s just drive. Play it by ear.’

It’s not too far from midnight. Joohyun doesn’t mention it. If it means more time with Seulgi, then she’ll go just about anywhere.

‘In that case.’ She stands and digs through her coat pocket for her keys. ‘I think I have something you’ll like.’

\---

‘Oh my god.’ 

That’s most people’s reaction to Cho Seunghyun’s six-car garage.

Joohyun’s not fond of it if she’s honest. The walls are high and white and the floor is painted white too, so the overhead halogen lights reflect unnaturally, blinding whoever walks in. There’s a chill running through the room and a strange antiseptic smell that reminds Joohyun of the two-bedroom penthouse that’s just upstairs and it makes her feel a little bit uncomfortable. But Seunghyun likes it so she doesn’t say anything.

‘I think this one room is more expensive than my entire house,’ Seulgi murmurs in amazement, her voice reverberating off the walls.

‘It’s unnecessary,’ Joohyun replies. ‘He barely uses them except for that one.’ She points to the black Mercedes Benz on the side.

‘Why? All these are much prettier.’

Seulgi walks forward toward a bright green sportscar. Joohyun doesn’t know what it’s called and Seulgi probably doesn’t either. It’s one of those cars with low seats and tinted windows, the kind everyone thinks is cool. Joohyun begs to differ. ‘Except this,’ she says. ‘But it does have its charms.’

‘Do you want to try it out?’ Joohyun asks, taking out the key the security guard at the entrance had given her.

‘You’re joking.’

Joohyun shakes her head. 

‘I couldn’t. What if I damage it?’

‘Then we’ll replace it. Come on.’

Slowly, Seulgi takes the keys into her hand, looking down at them like they might just break in their hands. Then, she presses the little button and the car beeps. She smiles at Joohyun as they get inside.

‘Wow,’ Seulgi whistles. Even this car smells weird, but now that Seulgi is closer, it’s getting better. ‘You guys are so lucky.’

‘Are we?’ Joohyun lets out a laugh through her nose. 

‘Absolutely. I couldn’t afford this even if people started buying my stuff.’

There’s always kind of been that distinction between them. If only Joohyun could tell Seulgi what it’s like to have so much money and barely anything to do with it. It feels kind of like she’s drowning in it sometimes, but Seulgi doesn’t know that. Then again, Joohyun doesn’t know what it’s like to not have enough money just to pay the bills, so she can’t say anything.

‘They’re buying it, though, aren’t they?’ Joohyun asks, eyebrows furrowed in concern. ‘You had something on your easel earlier.’

‘That’s the first commission I’ve had in months. For some wealthy old lady. She doesn’t even know who I am, she just wanted something cheap.’ Seulgi sighs and hits the heel of her hand against the steering wheel. Then she leans her head back onto the headrest. ‘I’ve even been taking up more shifts at Seungwan’s coffee shop just to get by.’

‘Why not try an exhibition?’ Joohyun suggests. She’s been to a few before, but nothing is quite like Seulgi’s artwork. That’s why she buys as much of it as she can. She doesn’t commission because there isn’t enough Seulgi in it like that.

‘I can’t afford it. The venue, the bar, the staff. Even if I took out a loan, I might never make enough to pay it back.’

‘I could lend you the money.’

‘I couldn’t ask you to do that. I don’t want you to pity me.'

‘Maybe it’s not pity. Maybe it’s me wanting you to succeed because I admire you as an artist.’

Seulgi exhales, sort of like a laugh but not quite happy enough for that. ‘You do?’

‘Would I have bought all last year’s works if I didn’t?’ 

‘Thank you,’ she says, smiling gently. ‘I’ll think about it.’

Silence falls between them, Seulgi with that soft grin on her face and Joohyun just watching her, longing to reach out to her. She doesn’t. Seulgi starts the engine a few seconds later, Joohyun signals the security guard to open the door, and they’re on their way.

  
  


As they drive, Seulgi plays music from her phone. She doesn’t like the music on the radio. She’s really into the kind of music they play in bars, chill and warm but sad in a quiet way. They talk about things that don’t matter to either of them, just content to be talking at all.

See, most introverts don’t like that. Most introverts would rather talk about things that mean something to them, but not Joohyun. She’d rather speak for hours about everything she’s indifferent about than talk about something that might be just too vulnerable even for a minute. Or maybe Joohyun would just like Seulgi to tell everything about her, to talk for hours upon hours upon hours. Is that selfish? Probably.

‘No, I know it sounds gross and I know I’m not the best chef,’ Seulgi begins, one hand on the steering wheel and the other gesturing as she talks, ‘but I make _sujebi_ really well now. Seungwan gave me the recipe.’

‘See, that sounds great and all, but that’s way too much soy sauce.'

‘You can’t even taste it, I swear!’ she chuckles. When Seulgi smiles or laughs, it’s with her cheeks first, then her eyes, then her mouth. She radiates happiness with all of her, and it’s quite enchanting to see. That’s Seulgi making you feel like you’re the only person in the world and like she can see right through you. Joohyun feels that thing in her stomach again. She’s like a schoolgirl in front of her.

_I've missed this,_ Joohyun wants to say. 

_Me too_ , she hopes Seulgi would say back. The last time they’d met, all Joohyun could do was bite the inside of her mouth to stop herself from crying and only let it out when they’d both had too much red wine to remember. At least now, just for a few hours more, she can pretend that it’s okay to feel whatever she feels for Seulgi. For those few hours, she’ll pretend like nothing ever changed.

Joohyun looks out the window. She never really leaves Seoul, so she’s not sure where they’re going, but it’s lit up nicely outside. That’s the one good thing about New Year’s Eve.

‘This car has a skylight,’ Seulgi announces. Joohyun just hums in response. The Mercedes has one too, but Joohyun has never been in the others. Then Seulgi says, ‘Hold this for me.’

The car swerves, and thank god there’s nobody else in the street. Seulgi has stood straight up and opened the skylight and has her whole body halfway out the car.

Joohyun lets out a little scream as she scrambles into the driver’s seat and gets the car going straight again.

‘Are you crazy?’ she yells to Seulgi, who probably can’t hear.

‘What?’ Seulgi says. ‘I think I just ate a fly.’

‘God help me.’

When Seulgi comes back down, her hair is even more messed up than it was before and her cheeks and nose are flushed but there’s the biggest beam on her face. Joohyun scrambles back to her seat and Seulgi lowers herself before the steering wheel.

Once she’s safe, Joohyun immediately slaps Seulgi on the thigh.

‘What’s wrong with you!’ she cries. ‘We could have died!’

‘I’m sorry,’ Seulgi giggles. ‘I’ve always wanted to try that.’

‘Well, good for you. At least your life would have ended on a good note.’

‘You don’t want to try, do you?’ Seulgi looks at her dangerously, and Joohyun isn’t sure how to say no and mean it. ‘While we still have gas. We’ll have to find a gas station somewhere.’

‘I don’t,’ she says. 

But then, a few seconds later, she huffs, undoes her seatbelt and stands on shaky legs while Seulgi cheers for her.

The first thing she notices once her heart stops beating out of her chest because she’s so scared of falling headfirst into the window is cold. Freezing, ice-cold wind blowing straight at her face, billowing her coat and shirt and hair and turning her face numb. 

But then, once she gains the courage to open her eyes a bit more, she sees why Seulgi would like this.

Seoul is beautiful at night. Yellow lights against a pitch-black sky. Stars are overrated anyway. 

Joohyun spreads her arms wide, lets the wind rustle her sleeves and chill her fingers. Seoul is beautiful in a way it shouldn’t be. Kind of like Kang Seulgi. Beautiful, but not conventional. Beautiful in a way only a few people get to fully take in. Beauty that only people who have enough sadness inside them will ever get to see. Tragically beautiful, on the surface and underneath. That’s Kang Seulgi.

Joohyun lets out a soft whoop. Then, another, louder. Then one more, loud and happy and _free_. That’s how Joohyun feels. Free.

Even when she sits down and Seulgi gives her one of those smiles and Joohyun smiles back without really trying to, she feels free.

‘I knew you would like it,’ she says.

‘It was just okay.’

Seulgi giggles and mentions something about a gas station nearby, but Joohyun doesn’t hear it. She was lying. Things with Seulgi have never been just okay. Seulgi has always been all-consuming.

\---

When Seulgi reaches down and changes the gear, Joohyun puts her hand over Seulgi’s on the gearstick. Then she intertwines their hands. Seulgi does a double-take like she can’t believe her eyes or she’s wondering just how much alcohol she’s consumed to be seeing these things. She lets out a shaky breath.

It’s strange, how Seulgi can dance with people like she had at the club and barely even flinch, but the moment Joohyun is involved, she turns into a blushing mess.

But then she pulls away. Joohyun turns to look at her. All she says is, ‘Your ring was digging into my hand.’

They’re quiet again.

Seulgi pulls up to the gas station on the side of the road.

‘I’m gonna go get some gas.’

And Joohyun watches Seulgi leave again carrying Joohyun’s heart in her hands.

Joohyun knows better than to leave the car alone, but she can’t help it. She gets out, speed-walks to the dingy little bathroom next to the convenience shop where Seulgi is and locks herself in.

Hands on her head, she takes a few breaths in and out and in and out again. God, what is she _doing_ here? What is she doing in the middle of the night with this girl she’s not supposed to know and a stolen car while her fiance is probably up late at night worried sick and waiting for her call?

She takes out her phone and, as expected, she has five missed calls from Cho Seunghyun. Other, better, more rational people might think to call him back, but, no, Joohyun is none of those things. She turns her phone off instead and puts it on the edge of the dirty sink. 

Where has her head gone?

Joohyun doesn’t even know what she was expecting. So she spends a night with Seulgi, then what? Everything miraculously fixes itself? She gets over her little crush by exposure therapy? Somehow, she starts loving Seunghyun like she’s supposed to? It won’t happen. So she might like lying to herself, but she isn’t stupid.

Or maybe she is stupid. After all, she’s the one who said yes to a marriage proposal because her mother thought it might be nice.

That woman makes her angry. Joohyun might not lose her temper often, but it’s usually because of her mother.

She’s the type to watch every single thing her child does. Not because she cares, but because she doesn’t want her daughter to make a fool of her. Having children, to her, is not something that’s tying her down, but another obstacle in the way of her perfect life. Joohyun might be inconsiderate, selfish, irrational, evil, but that woman is worse. Joohyun doesn’t even know why she wants to please her as she does.

(Except she does know. It’s because her mother knows being rich better than she does. Her mother knows the society they live in. Her mother knows that if Joohyun acts like Joohyun, people will begin to talk. Deep down, maybe not that deep at all, Joohyun is afraid of that.)

Fuck her.

Joohyun reaches for her left hand, pulls at the blood-stained band on her ring finger that’s slowly constricting, cutting off her blood supply so she can’t breathe. She pulls so hard her finger might dislocate. When it’s off, she throws it onto the side of the sink just to see what her mother might think of that.

And she watches stupidly as the ring falls into the sink.

And down the open drain.

That 18-carat ring has just gone down the drain.

She should probably be a bit more upset than inconvenienced. She just stands there for a while, staring. Debating whether her hands are small enough to fit down there or not. No, she can’t do that. Lord knows what’s happened in this bathroom and what’s gone down that drain.

Somebody knocks on the door and Joohyun startles.

‘Hyun?’ she hears Seulgi’s voice call. ‘You in there?’

Wordlessly, Joohyun opens the door. Seulgi’s got her arms full of plastic bags of snacks and cartons of banana milk. 

‘I got a bit sidetracked,’ she says with a little giggle, looking down at all the goodies in her arms. ‘Turns out that’s just a convenience store, so I guess you have to fill the gas by yourself---’ she stops when she sees Joohyun’s face stricken with worry. ‘What? What is it?’

‘My ring fell,’ Joohyun says, monotone and quiet, pointing to the sink.

‘Fell where?’

‘Down the drain.’

‘Oh my god.’

Seulgi immediately puts all her things onto the surface on the side of the sink, rolls up her sleeves and tries to force her fingers down the pipe. Joohyun promptly pulls her arm away.

‘Don’t do that,’ she says. ‘It won’t work. And it’s disgusting.’

‘That ring is worth more than my entire life!’

Joohyun simply frowns. ‘Let’s ask them if they can take the pipe apart. Surely they’ll have a wrench somewhere. It might be stuck.’

So that’s what they do. They walk into the convenience store, Seulgi explains the situation to the cashier, a girl about seventeen or eighteen with a bored expression, and she curtly says that they cannot do anything.

‘You’re joking,’ Seulgi says.

‘No. Sorry,’ she says back.

‘You must have a wrench or… I don’t know, a toolbox, something like that.’

‘I’m afraid I don’t. The guys from the gas station might but seeing as it’s closed…’

Seulgi huffs, stamps one foot like a child. ‘Can’t you call a plumber?’

‘On New Year’s Eve?’ the girl shakes her head. ‘I’m sorry, ma’am. Maybe if you come back tomorrow.’

Seulgi huffs again and gets ready to insist but Joohyun drags her away knowing it’s futile. They sit in the car for a good five minutes in silence, all hope having flown out the skylight.

‘So what now?’ Seulgi asks quietly.

‘We wait. What else can we do?’

‘I’m sorry,’ Seulgi says.

‘What for?’

‘I don’t know. I guess this is all a bit anticlimactic. First, we got harassed, then kicked out, and now…’

‘It’s okay, Seulgi. We’ll find it.’ Joohyun’s not even sure she wants that. Having the ring means having Seunghyun, and she’s not sure she wants that.

‘Okay,’ Seulgi says, nodding like she’s trying to reassure herself more than Joohyun. ‘We’ll find it.’

Then she passes a carton of banana milk and a packet of honey barbecue chips to Joohyun and takes some for herself.

  
  


Joohyun drives them the rest of the way while Seulgi sleeps in the passenger seat. She’s always been like that. A sleepy person even though she likes to stay up so late. She can sleep just about anywhere. Joohyun can barely sleep at her own house. At first, she thought it might be because she'd forgotten how to sleep without someone by her side. But then she moved in with Seunghyun (a proper, official move-in, not a three-year-long sleepover this time, because everything with Seunghyun is official like a real relationship is meant to be) and she realized that that wasn't it. Maybe it isn't loneliness after all. Maybe it's longing for things (people) she can't have.

She’s not even sure where she’s driving. She just drives as Seulgi had. Maybe they’ll miss the countdown. Joohyun kind of hopes they will. As long as she gets to spend more time with Seulgi.

So for now, she just listens to the sound of Seulgi’s music and Seulgi's gentle snores and tries not to think too much. These days, Seulgi likes some girl called Joy’s music. Joohyun has looked at said singer’s Spotify page and was less than impressed, but if Seulgi likes it then it must be pretty good. Seulgi's friend Seungwan has seen this Joy in her coffee shop a couple times and apparently, she'd spent fifteen minutes making small talk with Seungwan just because. Seulgi says that it was probably Joy's way of flirting, not that poor, blissfully oblivious Seungwan would know. It must be a thing for girls like that, having people fall for you left and right.

Joohyun wouldn’t know. She knows she’s kind of intimidating. The fact that she’s quieter these days probably doesn’t help, but she isn’t like that with Seulgi. Seulgi doesn’t make her afraid to be too loud or take up space. Because Seulgi is so much herself, Joohyun feels like she can be too.

But if that’s the case, why did she ever leave her? What was she trying to do, breaking the heart that healed hers? 

Perhaps she was just afraid. It doesn't excuse anything but at least it is the truth. Maybe she just wanted things to go back to how they were when her father spoke to her in sentences more than five syllables and her mother didn’t try to find men to “fix” her.

It’s not like Seulgi has ever questioned that or pressured Joohyun to come out to the world. No, Seulgi's never even asked why it bothers Joohyun so much because she doesn't need to. She doesn't try to fix Joohyun or make her happy again because she knows better than anyone that it just doesn't work like that. She's only ever tried to give Joohyun a reason to get up in the morning, a reason to eat well and get dressed everyday. A reason to stay. But Joohyun thinks it must not sit too well to have to be someone’s dirty little secret for the rest of your life. Could that be the reason, that she didn’t want to hurt Seulgi anymore? 

She doesn’t want to think about that anymore. See, this is what happens when she’s alone in the quiet for too long. She starts to think too much. Not like she has any friends who make her feel less alone at all.

Seulgi makes a little noise in her sleep, and Joohyun glances over. Seulgi’s peaceful in her sleep too, like Seunghyun. Joohyun thinks back to when she’d wake up with Seulgi by her side, cuddled up next to her or splayed on her front naked and something begins to sting. That’s how memories are with Joohyun. Either they start to burn her insides or embrace her like a drug embraces its user.

Then something comes into view in the windshield, lit up like a thousand suns. It’s a bridge they’re approaching high over the sea. Incheon Bridge.

Joohyun reaches out and shakes Seulgi’s shoulder as softly as she can. The girl just mumbles something.

‘Seul, we’re in Incheon, look,’ Joohyun hisses. There’s barely anyone out. Korea might be heavily populated, but tonight it’s just Seulgi and Joohyun.

‘That’s nice,’ Seulgi murmurs. Joohyun slaps her on the thigh and she whines and opens her eyes. Her whining is replaced by sounds of amazement.

‘See?’ Joohyun says. Seulgi’s pretty in this light. Even with her head in a bird’s nest at the back of her head.

‘I see,’ Seulgi says. She’s looking at Joohyun more than the scenery.

\---

Well, it could be worse.

They pass the bridge with relative ease. They get to Yeongjeong Island pretty quickly. Then, just a few minutes from the airport in Incheon, the car starts to slow down.

‘What’s going on?’ Joohyun asks out loud. ‘Is this thing breaking already?’

‘Hyun,’ Seulgi says like a warning, pointing to the gas meter, which is ticking on empty. Of course. Joohyun pulls over on the side of the street.

‘I thought you filled it up?’

‘I got kind of distracted. I must have forgotten.'

Joohyun huffs. ‘Well, it’s not your fault.’

‘You don’t have one of those little gas bottles, do you?’

‘I don’t know. I’ve never even been in this car before.’

Seulgi undoes her seatbelt and turns about in her seat. ‘Where are we?’

‘I saw a sign for the airport a while back. Maybe we should call a mechanic?’

‘I don’t know any numbers for one.’ Seulgi pulls her phone out of her pocket. 'No signal. Can't search online.'

Joohyun hums in thought. 'Should we look for the AAA?'

'Sure,' Seulgi says quickly.

  
  


They find one. 

‘Is nothing open today?’ Seulgi cries. ‘It’s just another year, why are these people acting like the world is ending?’

‘Would _you_ want to work on New Year’s Eve?’

‘I---well…’

‘See,’ Joohyun smiles. Her feet are beginning to ache from the walk but she doesn’t mind. Is it selfish for her to want to prolong this night for as long as she can, or does Seulgi want this too?

‘Looks like we have a lot we have to leave for tomorrow.’

‘You don’t have to stay that long,’ Joohyun says immediately. ‘If you don’t want to. You can leave after the countdown. I’ll hire you a taxi, whatever.’

‘Maybe I want to,’ Seulgi says, and that’s the end of that.

‘Maybe a gas station around here will have one of those little canisters,’ Joohyun proposes. ‘There’s supposed to be one just off the main road.’

‘Uh. Sure.’

Deep down, Joohyun thinks it would be much smarter to look online for an open service station. She knows there’s service here because Seulgi gets three or four notifications while they’re walking.

(It’s most probably Seungwan, but it doesn’t stop Joohyun from wondering.)

Does Seulgi want to draw this night out as Joohyun does? Is that why she doesn’t suggest a better alternative?

But she doesn’t want to think too much right now. Thinking too much is going to be the thing that kills her one day.

‘Do you want to race?’ Joohyun hears her own voice saying.

‘What?’

‘Like when we were kids,’ she replies. ‘Down this hill.’

Seulgi gives her a clueless smile. ‘I didn’t think that was something you did anymore.’

‘I didn’t think so either.’ Seulgi brings out the best in her. 'Last one to the bottom is a rotten egg.’

Then Joohyun’s speeding down the hill, feeling the wind blowing her hair back, feeling her heart begin to beat out of rhythm.

‘I am _not_ a rotten egg!’ Seulgi cries as she rushes past Joohyun in the road.

‘That’s not fair!’ Joohyun laughs with her whole chest and it echoes throughout the street. A dog begins to bark. ‘Your legs are longer than mine!’

‘Then _grow!’_

‘Oh, it’s on.’

Joohyun pushes herself further. So fast her feet begin to move of their own accord with the steepness of the hill, faster than the rest of her body can manage.

Seulgi glances back at her with one of those smiles that light up her entire face, eyes in crescents and cheeks elevated.

Then Joohyun trips over her own feet.

She goes tumbling forward, face-first into Seulgi’s back, sending the girl sprawling onto her front with Joohyun right behind her on the bottom of the hill.

Seulgi’s face-down on the pavement and her shoulders are shaking incessantly. The laugh in Joohyun’s throat goes back down.

‘Are you okay?’ she asks urgently. Then she realizes she’s sat atop Seulgi’s legs and heat rises to her face. She moves off her, turns Seulgi over by her shoulder.

She’s giggling.

Her eyes are scrunched up, her mouth in a closed smile, her chin decorated with a nasty graze over which beads of blood are starting to form.

Joohyun breathes a relieved laugh and slaps her on the shoulder softly. ‘I thought you’d broken something.’

‘How do you know I haven’t?’ Seulgi says, giving a false yelp and clutching the arm Joohyun hit.

‘I’m about to break something for you. Oh, your chin is all scratched up.’

And like she’s on autopilot, Joohyun reaches out and touches Seulgi’s face. The smile drops but Seulgi doesn’t flinch away this time. Maybe it’s because Joohyun has her on her back in the middle of a road.

The blush on her face grows hotter as she imagines the implications, so she quickly removes her hand and helps Seulgi to her feet again.

‘You too,’ Seulgi says, looking at her arm, exposed by their fall.

‘Huh?’

‘You’re all scratched up.’ She pulls Joohyun’s hand which she’s still holding closer to her, pulling up the sleeve a bit to reveal a scrape from the middle of her forearm to her elbow.

‘Oh. I hadn’t noticed.’

Seulgi laughs a little. ‘Too busy falling for me?’

Joohyun, wearing a smile the same as Seulgi, removes her hand from her grip and pushes Seulgi, picking up her things and heading down the street in mock anger.

‘Wait, no,’ Seulgi whines, chasing after her and clinging to her bad arm gently. Joohyun doesn’t move away. She might even move a bit closer.

‘Oh,’ Seulgi says then. She moves away, welcoming a sudden chill. ‘Look.’

She points across the street and Joohyun follows. Across the street, just past the AAA, is a gas station. Smaller than the one before, but lit up inside like a beacon.

‘Something’s finally going our way tonight,’ she says with a little smile.

So they race toward the gas station, as two grown women in their twenties often do. Joohyun wins. She’s competitive like that. 

They ask inside if they could have something to carry fuel in. Well, Seulgi asks. She’s better at talking. Obviously.

‘A jerrycan?’ the man, who’s bald and middle-aged, asks like he’s speaking to a child.

‘Yes?’ Seulgi responds. ‘Could we borrow one?’

‘Well, I would have to come with you to your car. To make sure you don’t steal.’

‘Right.’

Joohyun pulls Seulgi aside by her arm. ‘Is that safe?’

‘We’re together, what can he do?’

‘Murder us?’

Seulgi scoffs and shakes her off. ‘Look at him. He’s barely five feet.’

‘So am I!’

‘I can take him. I’ll protect you.’

But Seulgi’s weak. Slim, too. Slimmer, Joohyun’s noticed tonight. Her collarbones stand out more and Joohyun’s hands wrap around her wrists completely now. 

Joohyun’s really not supposed to care. She lost the right when she told Seulgi she couldn’t be with her anymore. But she does. She cares so much it hurts.

‘Could we have thirty thousand won’s worth?’ says Seulgi. 

Lucky for Joohyun, the man talks so much that Joohyun doesn’t have to. Enough for both of them, even. His name is Park Hyunyoung, they discover. He’s forty-eight with three daughters. See? Joohyun does small talk well. It doesn’t require both parties to talk, which Joohyun is totally on board with. Even if he is kind of irritating.

Seulgi? Yes, silence might not be Seulgi’s strong suit, but neither is small talk. She likes the kind of talks that mean something. She likes to connect with people. She’s sociable but specific with those she wants to know. When she wants to know someone, she has to know them to the very core. Why has she chosen to know Joohyun? Who knows. Joohyun would never choose someone like herself. Maybe Yerim would be better. Has Seulgi learnt every corner of Yerim’s life too? Has she learnt every crevice of Yerim’s body too?

God. Joohyun’s mind needs to learn how to shut up sometimes.

‘That sounds kind of gross.’

‘No, I’m telling you. My wife has never washed her hands before she makes _sujebi_. That way, you don’t need as much soy sauce, but it’s still salty.’

He’s barely looking at Seulgi who walks next to him, like he’s just talking to himself but with all too explosive gestures. He’s harmless, really, if incredibly demeaning.

‘Come to think of it, even my mother made it that way. She taught my wife when we first got married. And then, my wife will teach my daughters. Or perhaps their husbands’ mothers will teach them. Or their wives’ mothers. It’s legal in most countries now, right? My wife and I signed a few petitions a few days back. I have a few friends whose kids have come out as gays and they’ve felt like their lives are falling apart. I don’t really mind it. I just don’t want to see it.’

‘Right.’

‘If those were my girls coming out, well, sure, it might come as a bit of a shock, but I wouldn’t kick them out or anything.’ He gives a chesty laugh which turns into a cough. ‘So, were you heading to Seoul for New Year’s Eve?’

‘N---’

‘Yes,’ Joohyun says quickly before the man asks why and goes on another tangent. Seulgi looks back at her and Joohyun rolls her eyes. Seulgi stifles a laugh.

‘Hm, you don’t seem like the type to go to clubs. You’re nice girls, you two.’

"Nice" means boring. Well, Joohyun, not Seulgi.

‘You seem like very close sisters.’

They don’t reply, because how do you even reply to that? _We’re secret gay lovers except not really because one is getting married to a man next week and the other wants whatever this is to end tonight?_ Is there a one-word synonym for that?

They don’t arrive at the car soon enough. The man asks Seulgi to open the gas thing, and Seulgi looks at Joohyun, who is looking through her bag and beginning to panic because she can’t feel the cold metal of the keys in there.

‘What?’ Seulgi asks her, her eyebrows furrowed in concern. Joohyun smiles at her as if to say it’s nothing.

She pats down her blazer pockets, nothing, then the pockets of her jeans, and nothing again.

‘Do you think somebody at the club could have taken them?’ Seulgi figures it out anyway.

‘No. We drove after, remember?’

‘Where did you last have them? When we went to the AAA?’

‘Yes,’ Joohyun replies. ‘I remember they were in my hand just before we left. When the car broke down.’

Yes, Joohyun had locked the interior of the car door, then shut it.

Wait.

Oh, fuck.

Joohyun slaps her head with her palm. ‘Seulgi, give me a light, please.’

  
  


So Seulgi shines the torch of her phone in the car window of the driver’s seat.

Lo and behold, the keys are still in the ignition.

Joohyun swears out loud. Seulgi laughs at her nervously, while the man looks on in shock.

‘You don’t know how to unlock this, do you?’ Seulgi asks him.

‘Afraid not. I just fill the gas. You could try the AAA. They fix broken down cars for you.'

‘We’ve tried,’ Joohyun replies curtly. ‘You must know something.’

‘I’m sorry, love, I don’t. Tell you what, I think it might even get towed.’

‘That’s brilliant.’

‘But I happen to know the man who does the towings ‘round here.’ He fishes through his wallet and pulls out a crumpled business card. ‘Yes, he towed my eldest daughter’s car. The silly girl left it at the bus stop when she went to Jeju. Tell him Hyunyoung sent you and he’ll give you a discount. No, I’m fairly certain he’s one of my wife’s cousins. She has a lot of family, that woman. I’m not even sure she can keep cou---’

‘Yes, thank you.’ Joohyun takes the card from him and puts it in her bag, patting it after just to make sure it’s still there.

  
  


\--- 

_11:30,_ Seulgi’s phone reads. Joohyun leans back with a bored sigh.

They’re laying on the windscreen of the shocking green car, watching planes go by over their heads, warming the metal of the bonnet.

‘If you could fly anywhere in the world, where would you go?’ Seulgi asks.

‘I don’t know. Probably not too far.’ She thinks for a second. ‘Gimpo?’

Seulgi chuckles. ‘You could drive there.’

‘I thought this was a no-judgment zone. What about you?’

She thinks for a second. ‘Far,’ she says quietly. ‘Or else, maybe nowhere at all. It depends.’

‘Okay. So if you did go abroad, where would you go?’

‘Paris? I wanna see the Louvre. Or maybe Canada, where Seungwan grew up.’

For those wondering, or who haven’t quite got it yet, Seungwan is Seulgi’s best friend. They were born just eleven days apart. She owns a twenty-four-hour coffee shop somewhere in Seoul at which Seulgi works part-time. Joohyun’s never met Seungwan, but she knows practically everything about her. She wonders just how much Son Seungwan knows about her.

‘What’s she doing tonight?’

‘Who? Seungwan?’ Seulgi asks. She crosses her arms behind her head, one leg folded at the knee, the other pressed close to Joohyun’s. ‘She's probably still at the coffee shop. Or she went out with friends. She's really sociable.'

‘So are you, though. Couldn’t you go with them?’

Joohyun sees her shrug in her peripheral vision. ‘I don’t know. I’m not as extroverted as I was when I first met you.’

‘Is it my influence?’

‘It might be.’

Joohyun sometimes wonders what Seungwan might think of her. She’s not particularly homophobic, Joohyun knows, but she’s particularly protective of Kang Seulgi. Seulgi might be older, but it’s Seungwan who is the overbearing mother figure in that friendship. Has Seungwan heard hundreds of anecdotes about a mysterious girl by the name of Bae Joohyun who she’s seen Seulgi draw and leave gatherings early to meet and cry over? 

‘She’d kill me if she knew where I was right now,’ Seulgi chuckles.

‘Why?’

‘She doesn’t think you’re very good for me.’ 

‘She’s probably right.’

Seulgi murmurs a _yeah._

‘Do you talk about me? To her?’

‘I can’t hide from her,’ she says with a bite of the lip. ‘She just gets it out of me.’

That’s where they differ. Seulgi lets out what she feels when it arises. Joohyun bottles it up and shakes that bottle so if it’s opened up even a little she’ll explode in that person’s face.

(If there’s anyone she wants to be present when she explodes, it’s Seulgi.)

‘All good things I hope?’ Joohyun tries to joke, but she already knows the answer.

‘Sorry to disappoint.’

‘Don’t be. I haven’t done an awful lot of good things.’

‘You’re talking freely today.’ Seulgi props herself up on her elbow, grinning down at Joohyun, the moon lighting up the warmth of her skin, the frizz her hair is starting to take on, the drying red-brown of the graze on her chin.

‘Must be the alcohol. I still stink of it.’ (But she’s starting to wonder if Jack Daniels is just an excuse for her to do things she wants to do.)

‘You don’t stink,’ she laughs.

‘Appreciated.’

‘Ah, well. Sucks to be a lightweight. I would know.’

One of those memories hits Joohyun again. No, not hits. It comes to her. It doesn’t hurt as much anymore.

‘Do you remember when you first moved in and we spent New Year’s there?’

‘Yes,’ she breathes a laugh. ‘We drank way too much that night.’

‘We had fun though.’

‘We did.’

Joohyun remembers most of their drunken nights as some of her favourite memories. When she’s drunk she’s most herself. With Seulgi, she’s even more herself. While drunk with Seulgi, she’s nearly content.

That night they’d only really stopped for the countdown and getting back to work at 12:01. Word of advice: you should never have sex with someone when you’re both heavily intoxicated. Joohyun and Seulgi do tend to make pretty bad choices when they’re together. Not their first time, though. That was a 100% sober decision, even if Joohyun went to church for weeks after, despite not even believing in God as much as her mother would like.

‘Joohyun,’ Seulgi says softly. ‘What did you mean, you haven’t done an awful lot of good things for me?’

Joohyun shrugs. ‘I mean. We’re basically having an affair.’

‘I know that.’

‘It doesn’t feel good keeping you a secret.’

‘I don’t mind it that much,’ she says. ‘Honest.’

‘Don’t say what you think I want to hear.’

‘You know I don’t do that.’ Then, a beat later. ‘But yeah. I feel bad for your fiance sometimes. Yerim too.’

‘I wish you would have told me.’

‘No,’ Seulgi shakes her head. ‘I didn’t want to end this just yet.’

‘So what changed?’

‘Huh?’

‘Why do you want to end us now?’

‘I’m not sure I do anymore.’

_11:56._

Four minutes.

What is Joohyun supposed to do?

She’s not even sure she can breathe without knowing Seulgi is somewhere waiting for her. Is that selfish?

Maybe Joohyun just wants to love and be loved too. Is that such a crime?

‘Seulgi, what’s going to happen to us after the countdown?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘I don’t want to say goodbye to you. Ever.’

‘You did though.’

‘I wish I hadn’t.’

Seulgi sits up again, her face turned away from Joohyun. ‘You’re not fair,’ she says. 

‘I know,’ Joohyun says.

‘I wish I didn’t like you as much as I do.’

‘I know, Seulgi.’

‘But at the same time, I can’t imagine a world without you. I don’t even want to try.’ She turns to Joohyun, eyes not quite watering but not quite dry either. ‘Don’t let me go, Joohyun. Please.’

_I won’t,_ Joohyun wants to say. _Never._

But the clock beats her to it. 

_11:59._

‘One minute to go,’ Joohyun says. Seulgi lets out a bated breath.

‘2020. Wow.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Any resolutions?’

‘Hm,’ Joohyun thinks for a second. ‘No, not really.’ None that she’ll ever actually achieve, anyway. It’s pointless wishing for things she simply won’t do. ‘You?’

‘To hold an exhibition. I’ll have to work more hours to fund it.’

‘I told you, I’ll pay for it if you want me to.’

‘I don’t know. It’s expensive.’

‘I don’t mind.’

Then fireworks go off somewhere in the sky. 

_00:00,_ Seulgi’s phone reads.

‘Happy new year!’ she exclaims. 

‘Happy new year,’ Joohyun says back with a similar beam on her face, but she feels like she’s about to puke.

Then Seulgi’s smile begins to dim. Her eyebrows crease and she bites her lip like she needs to say something.

‘Do you want to go get something to eat?’ she stutters out. ‘There’ll be something at the airport.'

Seulgi doesn't want this to end either.

‘I’d love to.’

Joohyun’s still breathing, it seems. Seulgi hasn’t quite left her yet.

\---

They don’t quite make it that far.

There’s a little _noraebang_ booth inside the airport. Seulgi sees it, and her body is attracted to it like a magnet. Joohyun just sighs and follows. She kind of loves karaoke with Seulgi though, but she’s complained about it too much to admit it now. As long as they’re together.

Seulgi, although a great singer, is very much awful at karaoke and lost almost every single time they went to a _noraebang_ in their youth.

‘Just one more turn!’ she cries upon seeing the measly _76_ written on the screen. 

‘Seul, you’re the one who chose a ballad. You know they never get full points, so stop being a sore loser and hand it over!’ Joohyun demands, making a grabby gesture with one hand. Seulgi pouts and moves the microphone out of Joohyun’s reach, holding it tightly. ‘Just one more. If I lose again then you can have it for the rest of the time.’

‘You have had _three_ turns, and they all got you seventies at best!' Joohyun laughs loudly, so loud it reverberates over the music.

She sits up and holds out both arms to grab the microphone out of Seulgi’s grip, but the girl refuses and lifts it safely above Joohyun’s head. She’s giggling too, the brat.

Joohyun props herself up onto one knee, one hand in front of her on Seulgi's leg to stabilize herself, the other reaching up as high as she can to get that little plastic microphone that Seulgi is holding just above her head.

‘Give it here!’ she says over the music as Seulgi dangles it from the string as if to tease Joohyun.

‘Come and get it,’ she says. 

‘I will! And then, I will proceed to take my hundred-and-twelfth win against you!’

‘Yeah?’ she laughs. Joohyun strikes, aims to take it while Seulgi is distracted, but the girl only leans back. ‘You’re that sure?’

‘I’m sure! I’m positive!’ Joohyun huffs and rocks back on her heels, about to stand up. ‘In fact, I’m going to annihilate---’ 

Oh. 

Then she realizes.

She’s really close to Seulgi right now. Pinning-her-against-the-wall close.

So close she can feel a staggered breath dust over her cheek.

So close she can see the pink and yellow fairy lights reflecting in the dark brown of Seulgi’s eyes. 

So close she can almost taste the Amaretto sour on Seulgi’s lips. Oh no. She’s looking at them now too.

‘You,’ she continues her sentence under her breath.

‘Um,’ Seulgi mumbles. She doesn’t look away. No, her eyes scan Joohyun’s like she’s searching for something in them.

‘Sorry,’ Joohyun says immediately. She sits back down, but she can’t find it in her to move away. 

Seulgi's gaze drops for a second, and it’s then that Joohyun notices her hand is still high up on Seulgi’s leg, the ends of her fingers just touching the inner thigh. And although she’d fully love to feel the smooth, supple golden skin under her fingertips for the rest of her life, she immediately lifts her hand up.

But then Seulgi’s comes crashing down onto it. 

Her hand is back on Seulgi’s thigh, and Seulgi’s fingers are entwining with her own.

‘Don’t be sorry,’ Seulgi whispers.

Joohyun’s eyes are back on Seulgi’s lips again somehow. She isn’t smiling anymore. Two pink lips are parted, wavering a bit like there’s something she wants to say.

But it’s silent except for the background music of the menu that plays from the speakers, that 8-bit video game kind of sound. Just then, Seulgi’s fingers move, guide Joohyun’s hand further up her thigh.

‘Is this what you want?’ Seulgi asks her softly.

And in true Bae Joohyun fashion, she doesn’t talk. Instead, she places her hand around the back of Seulgi’s neck and pulls her in for a kiss.

Just like that, it’s like everything that has built up tonight falls around them. As Joohyun tastes convenience store chips and alcohol and something else that’s just pure Seulgi, she doesn’t feel as bad anymore. She doesn’t want this to end. She really, really never wants this to end. Maybe that’s why she’s never the first to pull away.

Seulgi deepens the kiss with her tongue, her other hand moving to cup Joohyun’s cheek. Both so gentle and subtle but so powerful as always.

Joohyun allows her hand to explore Seulgi’s inner thigh shamelessly. In the back of her mind, she wonders if the skin underneath those jeans is still as soft as before.

That seems to spur Seulgi on. She shifts closer to Joohyun so she can press their bodies together and Joohyun realizes she hasn’t felt this warm in a while, especially when she feels Seulgi's fingertips, hot against her cold skin, reach up her shirt and just beneath the waistband of her trousers. Joohyun’s other hand, the one that rests on Seulgi’s neck, slides down her back a little bit, underneath her jacket, then underneath her shirt, all because she is _itching_ to touch. Longing to feel all of Seulgi under her just one last time.

Her hand stops on Seulgi’s bra strap, curling her hands around it. This whole situation is crude and she knows it, but with Seulgi, she doesn’t care.

‘Here?’ Seulgi breathes, hot against her lips. ‘You want to do that here?’

Joohyun only hums in response, placing another kiss onto Seulgi’s lips and barely leaving time for either of them to breathe.

‘Hyun,’ she says with a breath that might be a laugh. ‘Stay the night at my place. Please.'

Joohyun’s not drunk on Jack Daniels anymore. Now, she’s drunk on Kang Seulgi, the strongest intoxicant to ever exist. Of course she says yes.

\---

They barely make it to the apartment. 

The minute the taxi stops outside Seulgi’s house, Joohyun opens the door and pulls Seulgi out with her like she’s already showing withdrawal symptoms.

They’re in the elevator, stood side by side awkwardly when she decides she can’t stand it anymore.

She places her arm around Seulgi’s waist, drawing her closer, allowing her hand to slip underneath the coat and shirt. She flinches at the coldness of Joohyun’s hands but she leans into it like she's never been touched before.

When they’re finally let out, Seulgi pulls Joohyun by her sleeve to the door, fumbles for the keys and unlocks it in once hasty motion. 

Then the door shuts behind them and Joohyun is suddenly being pulled by the collar of her coat, pinned against the back of the door. Seulgi’s lips on hers, her arms trapping her against the cheap wood of the front door, and Joohyun forgets how to form thoughts suddenly. How can she, when Seulgi’s warm, firm body is pressed against hers?

And Seulgi, who is usually so delicate and gentle and soft, kisses her sloppily and ferociously, teeth and all, and rips off her coat and throws it in the general direction of the sofa. Joohyun’s hands creep around her waist again. This time, when she lifts the edges of Seulgi’s shirt to reveal that gorgeous caramel skin, Joohyun only feels hungrier.

Seulgi fidgets out of her coat and suddenly Joohyun’s pulling Seulgi’s whole shirt off.

She has lost weight, Joohyun realizes, tracing the dip in Seulgi’s collarbones with her finger.

‘What are you doing?’ Seulgi breathes.

‘You’ve lost a lot of weight. Are you eating?’

‘You’re going to ask me that now?’

‘I care about you.’

Seulgi smiles and kisses her again, sweeter. ‘Come on,’ she says.

By some miracle, they end up in the bedroom. Joohyun pushes Seulgi down onto the bed and climbs atop of her, straddling her.

She plants wet kisses around all the skin she can find. First lips, then the two studs in Seulgi’s ear which she takes into her mouth, then jaw, then neck, then that dip in her collarbone, then chest, then stomach, then she stops. She thinks, in the back of her mind, Seulgi looks pretty right now.

She tugs Joohyun’s blouse over her head, giggling when it gets stuck.

‘It’s not funny,’ Joohyun whines.

‘It’s a little funny.’ She yanks the shirt once, then twice before she fiddles with the top button to finally get it off and throw it wherever.

‘You’re irritating.’

‘You love it.’

Seulgi bites down on Joohyun’s shoulder, letting her tongue fill that dip in her collarbone, hot and wet like molten sun, then soothes the area with a couple small kisses. Something is coiling tight in Joohyun’s stomach right now. Seulgi's hands reach to Joohyun’s back and unclip her bra in one swift motion. She tears it away from her body with an expression Joohyun hasn’t seen on anyone in a while.

Joohyun, who isn’t so shy anymore when she’s with Seulgi, runs her hand just below the elastic waistband of Seulgi’s underwear. Not quite near enough, but enough to make her heart start being too fast and too hard for too long.

‘Is this okay?’ she asks.

Seulgi nods impatiently.

From there on out, it’s like her body knows what it’s meant to do. Like she and Seulgi are one being. She knows which parts make Seulgi feel good. Seulgi knows which parts make her feel good. They’re surprisingly functional for a love as dysfunctional as theirs. Joohyun finds warmth that permeates its way inside her chest.

She watches Seulgi’s eyes squeeze shut, her eyebrows crease together, her lips slightly parted. It’s a privilege to see someone like that, but to see Seulgi like that is the biggest privilege one could ever have. Seulgi, in all her radiance, is ethereal at this moment. And Joohyun needs to see more of her.

She tastes the same every time. Sweet but tangy, like all that sugar she consumes has found its way around her body. 

Joohyun doesn't really need anything else from this encounter. Just being able to see Seulgi like that, yes hooded and hips bucked and mouth making the crudest of noises, that’s enough.

As Seulgi catches her breath, her eyes don’t leave Joohyun’s. Joohyun takes the hand she was using and licks each finger clean, holding Seulgi’s gaze almost daringly.

Seulgi laughs through her nose. ‘That’s so gross.’

‘Hm?’ Joohyun hums over her own fingers.

‘Come here.’

Seulgi pulls Joohyun to her lips by her chin. She tastes herself in Joohyun’s mouth, her tongue searching Joohyun’s so hungrily. Joohyun jokes that she is about to choke, but she can't laugh right now. Not when Seulgi's mouth drops to her chest and she sucks in a sharp breath and Seulgi's head snaps up in concern.

‘I’m fine,’ Joohyun stutters.

Seulgi detaches from her. ‘Are you sure?’

That pressure in the pit of Joohyun’s stomach is growing tighter, so tight it hurts. She doesn’t even care how loud she’s being right now or how filthy the noises she’s making are. 

Seulgi knows exactly how Joohyun likes things. That's what Joohyun re-realizes over the next twenty minutes. Her heart begins to beat even faster at the thought of being known. Not by someone, but by Seulgi. Being known for all she is, even all the ugly parts.

Then Joohyun feels that coil in her stomach go lax, shivers moving throughout her skin. She collapses onto Seulgi, her head resting in the crook between her shoulder and her neck, muffling the noises she makes in the gold of Seulgi's skin.

‘Here,’ Seulgi says, removing her hand and lifting it to Joohyun’s lips. ‘Since you like it so much.’

And without thinking, Joohyun takes Seulgi’s fingers into her mouth, running her tongue over the two fingers shamelessly, watching how Seulgi’s eyes go from joking to something darker.

‘That’s so gross,’ Joohyun says, mocking Seulgi’s voice. Seulgi lets go of her with a pout, sitting back on the bed. But then, Joohyun leans down to her and kisses her sweetly and for just a second, it feels like they’re them again.

She lets Seulgi pull her down to the bed. She lets Seulgi wrap her arms and legs around her and hold on tight. She lets Seulgi bury her head in her shoulder. She’s beginning to feel whole again.

‘I’ve missed you,’ Seulgi whispers into her skin.

‘Me too.’

The only sound for a good five minutes is the sound of breathing and 80s music playing distantly in the background by some neighbour which Joohyun hadn’t noticed before. Joohyun thinks maybe Seulgi might have fallen asleep, but then---

‘I really didn’t think you’d come back.’

‘I’m here now, aren’t I?’

‘I’m scared you’re going to leave again.’ She breathes out shakily. ‘No, I know you’re going to and I’m scared.’

Joohyun’s not sure how to respond.

‘Will you tell me why?’

‘Why what?’

‘Why you can’t be with me?’

And she’s so close to pretending to fall asleep again. Like she had when Seulgi said she loved her for the first, second and third times. She just doesn’t want to lie anymore.

‘I’m scared too,’ Joohyun replies. ‘It’s a shit excuse, I know.’

‘It’s not sh---well, you know. It’s not. It’s valid. You’re valid.’

‘Don’t try to make me feel better.’

‘I’m not.’

‘You can do way better than me, you know.’

‘Probably,’ Seulgi admits. ‘But maybe I don’t want to. Seungwan and Yerim always tell me I deserve more, but nobody ever asks what I want.’

‘What _do_ you want?’

‘I just want to be with you. I don’t need labels or publicity. I don’t even need you to break up with Seunghyun anymore. I just want to be near you. That’s it.’ She exhales hot breath onto Joohyun’s skin. ‘I feel like I can breathe when I’m with you.’

‘You should be angry at me. I treat you like an object. You and Seunghyun both.’ Joohyun closes her eyes like she imagines Seulgi’s are. ‘You shouldn’t enable me.’

‘Enable you? Joohyun, you’re not an abuser. You’ve never hit me or showed me that you don’t care.'

'That doesn't make me good.'

'Maybe it doesn't, but at least you have a reason. You’re scared like the rest of us. And I think you suck at managing it, but that’s... I just wish you would let me help.’ 

And there Kang Seulgi goes again, seeing right through people like they’re transparent. Joohyun feels both as vulnerable and as safe as anyone in the world can be.

‘I don’t know. I wish I could be more like you.’

‘Why? I’m not so great either.’

‘You are. You’re perfect.’

‘You idolize me too much. I’m just a person like you.’

‘A _good_ person. I want so much more for you than just this. Than just me.'

She scoffs. ‘You sound like Seungwan.’

‘I don’t know why you don’t try again with that Yerim. She likes you. I know you think she’s cute.’

She inhales sharply. ‘I have tried. I wanted to move on, but it didn’t work because she just isn’t you.’

‘What?’

‘At the club, I told her I couldn't see her anymore because you were there and I realized it just wasn’t worth it. It’s not fair on her. To be in love with someone in love with somebody else. I mean, maybe I would be happy after a while, I guess, but she’s not you. It’d be like learning to live without a head or without a moon in the sky.'

‘I---’

‘Don’t apologize. Please.’

‘Why do you love me? I’m a bad person. I’m cheating on my fiance, I’m lying to everyone, and I’m hurting you.’

‘I know. But I think you’re still Joohyun. The Joohyun I know. She's worth loving. You're not the Joohyun they want you to be. You're just the Joohyun I love.’

‘Love? You really love me?’

‘I do. Maybe too much. You don’t have to say it back.’ Joohyun feels her smile. It might be a sad smile how Seulgi often does. Her eyes usually shine kind of sadly beneath the surface in a way that only people who know her as Joohyun does would see. Tragically beautifully.

When she starts overthinking why she presses up against Seulgi for warmth, she tells herself that she wants to sleep by Seulgi’s side that day because she misses the feeling of being near someone, not because she actually misses someone.

(Failing to realize that she sleeps beside her fiance every night and feels nothing.)

\---

When Joohyun wakes up, she’s completely and painfully sober. She looks around, sees clothes thrown about the room, sees Kang Seulgi next to her, the sheets up to her face, back bare against the air in the room, and something inside her stomach begins to fill with heavy, heavy shame.

Her mind seems to have come back to her fully. She needs to get up and get home and forget Seulgi like she was supposed to. She begins picking up clothes from the floor only to realize they aren’t hers at all, and where on earth is her peacoat? 

As she’s digging in a pile of clothes for her shirt, she hears Seulgi rouse from sleep. Her face is puffy in the morning, Joohyun knows without looking.

'You’re leaving?' she says in a hoarse voice. The exhaustion in it is laced with pain. Joohyun gulps. 'You're really leaving?'

'Yes. See you.'

'Joohyun,' she croaks. She reaches for her, but Joohyun is too far away. She almost falls out of the bed until Joohyun catches her. Seulgi's in her arms again. Something in her heart thrums in approval, but this was all a mistake. 'Please, don't go.'

Joohyun studies not Seulgi's face, but the sheets behind her. They're always unruly in Seulgi's house. It makes it feel just a bit more like home.

Then a hand reaches out and turns Joohyun's face gently so their gazes connect again. 

'I'm yours if you want me,' Seulgi says. She reaches for one of Joohyun's hands, entwines their fingers. 'I want to be yours. Please, Joohyun. I need you more than you think.'

Joohyun looks at her sternly the way she does sometimes, with her lips pressed tightly together. 'You don't,' is what she says. 'You don't want someone like me around. I don't even want someone like me around.'

'Need. Not want.'

That ache in her chest is acting up again. She feels it as she breathes in and out like her ribs are being ripped apart.

'I'll see you,' is what she says. Seulgi's little smile, desperate, screaming _please don't leave me_ , cracks in half. It's painful to see.

And there Joohyun goes again, breaking the heart that had healed hers.

\---

The world goes back to normal.

Joohyun gets a taxi to the convenience store they’d gone to. The cashier calls a plumber for her.

Joohyun stands in the doorway of the ladies’ bathroom as he undoes the pipes. Unnamable liquids come rushing out and he barely even flinches. He lifts the pipe to his eye, shakes it about a little, then dips his index and middle fingers into it to fish it out.

He hands it to her, drenched in muck and still coloured brown-red with some man’s blood.

‘You’re lucky that diamond is so big,’ the plumber tells her. ‘Or else it might have gone straight down.’

She thanks him, wipes the ring on her shirt as she’s aiming to leave, but doesn’t put it on. Instead, she slips it in her pocket. She’s not ready to stop breathing just yet. (Though that’s what she’s set herself up for when she left---)

Stop. She won’t think about that anymore. She won't think about her.

Next, she has a taxi take her to the address on the business card that the man gave her.

‘What’s in the jerrycan?’ the driver asks.

Joohyun acts like she doesn't even hear anything. The woman focuses on driving the car instead after that.

The guy at the towing service is a bit older than middle-aged, significantly quieter than his friend. His conversation consists mainly of affirmative grunts or dejectory scowls. Joohyun’s kind of person.

‘It’s the green one,’ she says.

He gives her a look.

‘Um, a sports car.’

‘There are lots of types of sports cars.’

‘It’s a sports car that’s green and I think the number plate begins with a D?’

He ends up having to walk Joohyun around the whole parking area before she can point out just which car is Seunghyun’s. Who knew so many people owned sports cars in Incheon?

Luckily, he doesn’t ask for ID, thanks to Park Hyunyoung. He gives Joohyun the keys, tells her not to ever lock them in the car again as if she did it for fun and fills up the gas for her for ten thousand won, which Joohyun thinks is kind of a rip-off considering she was the one to buy the gas in the first place but she has a hundred times that in her bank right now, what does she care?

She drives the car all the way back to Seoul, which is a really bad idea. There’s still a smell in the car. Sweet, vanilla-ish. It’s turning Joohyun’s stomach. She resigns to keep her eyes on the road instead and count the shops she can see. She can’t afford to think right now.

Bakery, three.

Convenience store, two.

Stationery, two.

Supermarket, one.

Bookstore, two. 

Pawnshop, one.

Wait.

She pulls over on the side of the road.

_Kang Mingyeong’s Pawns,_ the sign reads in an antique font.

She knows what she has to do all of a sudden.

‘How much can I get for this?’ she asks the man at the counter, pulling out the enviable diamond ring.

He takes it from her hands, stares at it from under some weird, binocular-looking apparatus.

‘This is 18-carat, I think.’

‘Oh, is it?’ she says like she doesn’t know. ‘I found it by the sea.’

‘Is that blood? Looks like she might have hurt someone with it. Maybe her fiance.’

‘Maybe. Or maybe someone else.’

‘This blood is going to be hard to clean off. How much do you want for it?’

She shrugs. ‘Two million won?’

He scoffs. ‘This is a dirty old ring.’

‘I'll gladly take it elsewhere.’

‘Fine, fine,’ he concedes, hands up to prove his innocence. ‘How about one million?’

‘A million and a half?’

‘I said one million.’

‘A million and a half.’

He stares her in the eye for a moment. Then, he groans. ‘Fine. But just because you’re pretty.’

She doesn’t thank him for that. She takes the envelope of money and asks for a pen to write on the envelope with.

Then she gets back in the car and drives somewhere on the outskirts of Seoul. The eighth floor. She doesn’t want to think about who’s in that apartment right now.

She crouches, slips the envelope, which reads _It’s just a start, but I hope this helps with your exhibition. - Bae Joohyun,_ under the door. She struggles because the envelope is pretty thick, but at least the message is there. Then she bolts out of that building, hoping never to have to be there again when she’s trying to ignore the ache between her ribs that she feels the farther she gets from that apartment.

Then she parks the car in the garage, walks back home, and climbs into bed as if nothing has even happened.

She can’t sleep though. Her mind is racing a thousand miles a minute and it feels like there's a gaping hole where her heart should be. Thank god Seunghyun is at his meeting.

Maybe marrying him won’t be so bad. It might even be pleasant. He works hard. He has a good job. He’s good with kids and her parents. His mother and father like her well enough. He’s not misogynistic like every other businessman she’s met. He’s kind. Never disappointed. Handsome. He's the easiest person to be with.

It's not like their relationship is completely loveless either. Joohyun sometimes lets Seunghyun kiss her on the lips. Sometimes she lets him go further than that. It isn't awful if she's honest. It can be nice, as long as it's fast enough and as long as she squeezes her eyes shut and thinks of other people.

(But how can one compare something pleasant to something that sets your heart on fire? It’d be like replacing the sun with a street lamp and trying to be thankful that there’s any light at all.)

Something is nagging at her from the back of her throat. She often feels like this the morning after. She’s gotten better at ignoring it, but it’s always worse the morning after.

Seunghyun comes back a few hours later but they feel like an eternity. Joohyun doesn’t like to be alone for too long.

‘You’re back early. How was your aunt?’ he asks.

‘Another false alarm,’ Joohyun gets the lie out seamlessly. ‘She’d forgotten my cousin and her husband were coming over.’

He laughs, mutters something about classic Aunt So-and-So. ‘By the way, your mother called me this morning. She said she couldn’t reach you.’

‘My phone died last night.’ She’s not even sure where her phone is, in all honesty. Maybe it’s in the pocket of the peacoat that she’d dumped by the entrance because it smelled too sweetly of things she doesn’t want to think of right now.

‘Oh, you’ll have to be more careful next time. I noticed you left your charger here.’

Of course he did. Seunghyun notices everything but nothing at the same time. He notices when Joohyun only eats one-third of her breakfast, but not when she lies to him to meet the person she is having an affair with.

But he isn’t dumb. Joohyun sometimes thinks that he must know everything because sometimes his eyes reflect back at her like he loves her but she makes him incredibly sad. She tries not to think about it.

‘She told you to wear the white dress she bought you for your birthday.’

Yes, Joohyun’s mother still tells her what to wear on special occasions like she’s a child. It’s not because Joohyun can’t choose her own clothes, but because she just doesn’t like the way Joohyun dresses.

But she puts it on anyway and doesn’t complain even when the bodice begins to dig into her stomach and compress her chest so much she can’t breathe anymore. If that’s because of the dress or because of something else, who knows.

(The Mercedes that Seunghyun is driving today has a skylight, Joohyun remembers with a bitter taste on her tongue. She tries her best not to wonder what it would be like up there. Who would like it up there. It is not her business anymore.)

\---

One thing that distinguishes Joohyun from her parents and fiance: she does not give a care in the world about anything politics. In her opinion, politics is a total waste of time. She knows a lot of people that think the same way. A person whose name she won’t repeat lest it burns her tongue.

Politics is just about all they talk about at family events like this lunch on New Year’s Day, surprisingly. They don’t argue. They’ve never argued once. Joohyun’s father is too quiet for it and her mother is more than willing to switch her entire viewpoint around not to offend the other party. 

That’s how rich people are. Who you are matters in a society like theirs. Maybe it’s because you have to have something else to show off when everyone around you has money too.

That’s the reason for inviting all distant relatives to a small lunch: to show off. To show off that enviable diamond ring that is no longer in Joohyun’s possession and the handsome man on her arm who’ll carry the legacy on. To say, _look how well our family’s doing, can you say the same?_

Joohyun would rather be anywhere else in the world right now.

(Well, there is one place she wants to be, but she shouldn’t think that.)

‘Where is your ring?’ her mother hisses when she notices.

‘Lost it,’ Joohyun replies curtly.

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ Seunghyun asks. Joohyun doesn’t even acknowledge it.

‘I don’t think Moon is all that,’ her grandfather grumbles. He’s eighty-something and terrifically racist and homophobic, more racist and more homophobic than most rich, “well-educated” people tend to be. Nobody ever calls him out on it, obviously, but Joohyun would love to.

‘I heard he’s planning on raising taxes,’ some aunt, one of her father’s sisters, says. Joohyun doesn’t see her mother’s family as much. That might be one of the reasons she tries so hard to make everything perfect because they don't like her already. ‘I wonder where that might put us.’

‘Oh, yes, and our Junhee said he’s insisting on changing the syllabus at SNU. Imagine that, telling certified medical doctors how to teach their course.’ That aunt, like almost every other at this table, is the type of person to repeat details that everyone already knows just to brag. Everyone and their mother knows that Han Junhee and his older sister are both enrolled at Seoul National University. That’s old news.

‘And there’s all that talk about gay marriage too,’ her mother pipes up. The response is not nearly as vigorous. Or even there at all. It makes Joohyun feel kind of bad for her mother who tries to smile like she’s unaffected. They don’t like her because her family isn’t quite as well-off. It makes it seem like she only married Joohyun’s father for money. Her mother doesn’t have a lot, so to have a daughter she can rely on to give her something to brag about for once in her life is essential. That’s why it hurts so bad.

‘There were petitions about it downtown,’ Seunghyun says, sensing the tension. ‘My brother went to sign a few with his girlfriend, I believe.’

‘Oh my. He’s one of _those_ people,’ her grandfather says with a scoff. His wife (not Joohyun’s grandmother---his second wife) slaps him on the arm lightly. She has to look away.

‘I’m rather indifferent, sir,’ he replies. Seunghyun knows what it’s like too, evidently

‘Leave him alone, he’s only young,’ one of the aunts from before speaks because Seunghyun’s just that loveable.

‘It’s not right,’ the old man says. Joohyun, who’s always had a bit of a temper on her, feels anger start to rise to her head. Anger and fear. Her mind is wandering. ‘Back in my day, they’d just get the---’ he pulls his butter knife across his throat. ‘Or they sent them straight to jail. Worked like a charm.’

Then Joohyun looks up to find her father looking straight at her. He doesn’t say anything, but it’s like he’s asking _are you happy living like that in a world of people like this?_

‘That’s a bit extreme,’ another aunt, the youngest, says. ‘I just don’t want to see it.’

It’s the wrong day for this. Joohyun should feel scared, she should be scared into submission, but she just isn’t today. No, her heart is beating and that nagging in her brain is only growing. 

It’s harder not to think about her right now.

‘Well, it is a solution,’ her mother says with a laugh. ‘I’m not sure what I would do if that was my daughter.’

‘I think my entire world would end,’ Joohyun's father says to her directly. ‘You might as well just kill me now.’ People laugh.

_Fuck your world,_ Joohyun wants to say. _And fuck you both._

‘Just be glad Seunghyun’s there then. They make a good couple.’

Seunghyun smiles at her. There’s sadness in that smile. 

Joohyun realizes it then.

At that moment, time seems to be suspended in air. Joohyun looks at her mother who is pouring tea with a fake toothy smile plastered onto her face, then she looks at her father who simply stares at the table in disdain, a habit he's adopted since Joohyun came out, then she looks at Seunghyun. 

Perfect little Seunghyun, who's traditionally handsome and whose expensive Italian suit is pressed to perfection and whose smile is genuine and gentle and miserable and whose eyes gaze at her with _love_ in them. Pure, unbridled love. 

Unrequited love.

Joohyun doesn't love this man.

There's a decision to be made at that moment. Joohyun gazes around her parents' dining room coloured lavender and white, watches mothers tell their daughters how to sit like a lady and watches servers bring out silver tray after silver tray of beautifully coloured macarons that taste of nothing. Rooms like these are all she's ever known. Four pastel walls that threaten to cave in on her. 

Someone is talking again. Joohyun feels like that fire that her mother had covered over is burning through her skin in the form of a K, S and G, how she always signs her paintings.

The answer is simple. And the realization burns through her. Like Kang Seulgi, all-consuming.

She’s really, really, stupidly in love with Seulgi.

And even though she should be, she doesn’t have it in her to feel ashamed right now.

'Well, I think that---' 

'Oh, would you stop it?' Joohyun says loudly. People turn to look at her. Her mother pulls a face like she's just been stabbed.

'Forgive her,' her mother announces with a rehearsed smile that doesn't quite meet her eyes. 'She hasn't been herself lately, with the stress of the wedding---’

‘No, I think that’s what’s troubling you. That I’m too myself.’ She gives a loud belly laugh that rings through the room as she stands up, her jacket hanging over her arm.

‘Sit down, Joohyun.’ 

‘Why? Isn't it obvious that perfect Seunghyun and perfect Joohyun don't actually love each other? That she likes _girls?'_ Gasps then. A choke. Joohyun doesn’t care.

‘Sit. Down,’ her mother spits through gritted teeth. Her eyes are desperate. Pleading, even. She'll do whatever Joohyun wants. Joohyun almost gives in. She almost bows in apology and sits down quietly with her back straight and her hands in her lap and her knees together how ladies are supposed to sit.

But she happens to glance at her feet. 

Her white flats are still stained with streaks of dirt from all the walking she did last night. She thinks of Seulgi.

What would Seulgi do? Would she sit down and shut up? No, Seulgi wouldn’t even be in this situation to begin with. Seulgi doesn’t put herself in places she doesn’t want to be.

So she doesn’t sit down. Even when her mother’s begging eyes begin to burn into her skin, she doesn’t sit down, and she doesn’t be quiet.

‘You’re horrible, selfish people,’ she hisses. Just loud enough for her mother to hear. ‘I’m not going to let you turn me into a person like you.’

Then she turns on her heel and runs out of the hall as fast as her legs can carry her. When one of her shoes falls off, she doesn’t even bother putting it back on. She keeps rushing through the marble hall, feeling the eyes of people in paintings that aren’t Seulgi’s weighing her down but not even caring, not even noticing. 

‘Joohyun!’

She doesn’t turn. She barely even realizes there's a sound. There’s just one person on her mind right now.

‘Joohyun, hold on!’

Is that Seunghyun?

Joohyun tries to run a bit faster.

‘Bae Joohyun, would you slow down?’

A sigh. Then the sounds of footsteps following her.

A big hand latches onto her shoulder. She twists her body out of Seunghyun’s grip and stumbles a few steps backwards.

He lifts both hands like a criminal who has just been caught.

‘Just thought you might want this,’ he says, holding out the keys of his car and Joohyun’s clutch which contains her wallet. ‘Can’t get anywhere without money on you,’

‘Thanks,’ Joohyun says slowly. ‘You… want me to drive your car?’

‘Well, how else would you get there?’

‘But _why?’_

He shrugs, looks down at the marble floors with a smile on his face.

‘I love you, you know that,’ he says. ‘Because I love you, I want you to be happy. I don’t care if it’s not with me. Just as long as you’re happy. That’s all I care about.’

Joohyun feels something then that’s a mixture of guilt but relief but affection for Seunghyun. One of the best friends she could ever have had.

‘I’m sorry, Seunghyun,’ she tells him. It doesn’t make up for anything, but what else can she say? ‘For everything.’

‘It’s in the past.’ And he smiles at her lovingly. ‘It used to hurt and maybe it still does, but you deserve to be happy.’

(Seulgi and Seunghyun both think so after everything Joohyun has done.

Could they maybe be right?)

‘You knew?’

Seunghyun laughs. ‘I’m not as naive as you think. I noticed. I didn’t want to say anything when I knew you were already unhappy.’

Joohyun closes her eyes and breathes a curse out. ‘Jesus. I’m so sorry.’

‘Don’t be sorry.’

‘You deserve someone great, Seunghyun. Really.’

‘So do you. Though I think you might have already found her.’

Joohyun breathes a laugh, something she’s probably done less than fifty times in the three years she’s known Seunghyun. 

‘I have,’ she says. ‘If she’ll have me. I’ve treated her pretty awfully.’

‘She loves you, doesn’t she?’

Does she?

‘People often do things they can’t explain when they’re in love. You love her, and I think she loves you.’

She thanks him and makes to leave. But first, she turns back around and hugs him. 

‘Go get her, hm?’ he whispers in her ear.

‘Yes. I will.’

\---

Joohyun hesitates before knocking on the door.

This is it. This is really it. Everything she’s done up until now, and knocking on the door is what scares her?

She takes a big breath, closes her eyes, and rips the bandage off. She knocks too softly on the door three times.

No response.

Joohyun’s starting to worry.

She knocks again, a bit harder. Maybe Seulgi is still asleep. Nothing.

She pats her pocket for her phone. Not that she even has Seulgi’s number saved, but she knows it off by heart. 

Then she realizes. She left it in the pocket of that peacoat. Amazing.

She curses out loud. What is she meant to do now? What if Seulgi isn’t even home?

What if Seulgi doesn’t want to see her at all?

She’s been trying to avoid that question. She doesn’t know what to do if that’s the case. Seulgi’s all she’s ever known, there’s never really been a solid alternative.

No, she’s overthinking this. She should knock at least once more.

So she lifts her fist, knocks one last time, and before her knuckles can even leave the cheap surface of the wooden door, it opens swiftly.

Joohyun falls forward, straight into Seulgi’s arms. The girl catches Joohyun, she always would, but she lets go so quickly that it hurts.

‘Joohyun, why are you here?’ she asks, stepping back into the apartment, growing the distance between them. 

Joohyun stands properly and closes the door behind her. She opens her mouth to say something, but she’s at a loss all of a sudden. What is there to be said at a time like this?

‘What is this?’ Seulgi’s holding the envelope Joohyun had left under the door.

‘It’s money.’

‘Yeah, I know it’s money. Why are you giving this to me? Where did you even get it? There’s over a million won in here.’

‘I---um, I sold my ring.’ Joohyun feels kind of small right now. It’s hard, being honest and vulnerable in front of someone. It feels like being naked at work. And maybe Seulgi isn’t so all-seeing after all. Maybe Joohyun just doesn’t want to lie to her and that’s why she feels so open. ‘The money’s for your exhibition. I’m sorry, I know it’s not much.’

‘You sold your engagement ring?’

‘Yes.’

Seulgi looks at her incredulously, mouth hanging open and eyes wide. She’s still wearing the shirt from last night, so baggy it engulfs her, her hair still a mess atop her head. Joohyun likes to see her like this. 

‘Why did you do that, Joohyun?’ she asks, exasperated.

‘I wanted you to have your exhibition.’

‘What about Seunghyun, though? What will your family think?’

Joohyun shakes her head, stares at the floor. ‘You don’t have to worry about that.’

‘What does that mean?’

A deep breath. ‘I ended things. With Seunghyun.’

Seulgi continues to stare. ‘I don’t know what you’re saying.’

‘I broke up with Seunghyun. And they didn’t say it directly, but I know my parents don’t want anything to do with me now.’

‘What did you do?’

‘I embarrassed them in front of my whole family. They won’t want me back.’

‘They might.’

‘I don’t want them back.’

‘Oh.’

It goes quiet then.

Joohyun looks at the floor around her. There are still clothes left in random places, the sofa is still slept-on, the painting on the easel by the window still holds a little European village that some old lady had commissioned. It’s pretty, but it’s not Kang Seulgi. That’s why Joohyun doesn’t commission work.

Her nerves are on fire right now. Seulgi hasn’t said no, but she hasn’t said yes. If she says, no… then what?

As if to confirm her suspicions, Seulgi calls out her name with a sigh almost like a warning. She crosses her arms like she’s holding herself. ‘I'm not sure, Joohyun.'

‘I’m sorry,’ Joohyun says. ‘I’m sorry about everything I’ve done to you. I'm not asking you to forgive me.'

‘It’s not that. I get why you did it. I’m just scared.’

‘Scared? You?’

‘Yeah,’ Seulgi breathes a laugh. ‘When I saw you leave this morning, it’s like my heart broke. Every time you’ve left me, you took a piece of me with you. Seungwan says it’s aged me. How am I supposed to know you won’t leave again?’

Joohyun thinks for a second. Even she doesn’t know that she won’t get scared again. How is she supposed to prove that her mother won’t pretend this never happened and find her another man to marry? How is she supposed to be certain that she won’t just go through with it?

Maybe it has something to do with the new power Joohyun feels. That fresh feeling of intent in her heart, an urgency to be where she’s supposed to be right now, the feeling that only gets stronger around Seulgi. To put it simply, Joohyun will always come back to Seulgi because everybody wants a home and Seulgi is her home.

‘I’m not sure what to say to prove I won’t. I’m not even sure I won’t. I don’t know. I just want to be around you.’

‘But not forever.’

‘Maybe forever.’

‘And what if someone looks down on us again and you get scared?’

‘I would come back to you. I came back to you now, I’ll come back to you then.’ 

‘I want to trust you, Joohyun. I really do.’

‘Will you let me earn back your trust, then?’ Joohyun steps forward. She takes one of Seulgi’s hands in hers. ‘Please. I want to try.’

‘Why are you doing this?’ Seulgi asks her softly.

‘I realized last night. I want to be with you. It was like I could finally breathe again. I-I’m pretty sure I love you.’

Then Seulgi freezes. She looks at Joohyun with a mixture of confusion and admiration and pride and _love._ Joohyun always feels loved with Seulgi. Pure love. Not guilt because it's unrequited. Not love but terms and conditions apply. She feels simply loved.

‘You’ve never said that before,’ Seulgi mumbles.

‘Yes,’ Joohyun breathes, her heart beating into overdrive.

‘Don’t just say it because you think you have to.’

‘I’m not. I’ve known for a while, but I tried not to think about it.’

‘And now?’

‘Well, I can’t think of anything else.’

She smiles softly, holding Joohyun’s hand a little tighter. Not as sad as usual.

Joohyun knows it’s like a cloud hanging over you to know the person you love might not be there tomorrow. That was why Seulgi’s eyes shone the way they used to (and still do, sometimes.) She can’t take away the pain she’s caused, but maybe if she tries to be more herself, she can make up for it one day.

‘I want you to show me that you’re going to stay, okay? Promise me that you’ll never, ever leave my side.’

Seulgi holds out her pinkie finger, the way they used to do as children.

‘Okay,’ Joohyun agrees. ‘I promise.’

She wraps her finger around Seulgi’s and suddenly they’re fate-bound.

Seulgi brings their hands up to her lips and kisses them. Warmth radiates through Joohyun’s hands. 

‘Tell me I’m yours,’ Seulgi says. ‘Officially.’

‘You’re mine. And I’m yours.’

‘Officially.’

‘Yes, officially.’

Seulgi giggles. ‘I really, really love you.’

And there she is, so broken, so lost, and so very messed up but truly happy for the first time in a while, all because she has Seulgi stood in front of her, and that is enough.

\---

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!!  
> ive just made a twt acc to use for my fics so id appreciate if you followed and kept up to date w my works!! follow here: @revebabying 
> 
> edit: thank you all so so much for 4000 hits!! if you liked this story, i wrote kind of a sequel called falling in love at a coffee shop based on wenjoy pls check it out :)
> 
> edit again: its been a year!!!!!!! i cant believe a year has alr passed since i wrote this story!!! i know its not perfect, but this whole universe is very close to my heart. after i wrote this story, i was able to get into writing a bit more. i think writing may even be what i want to do in life, because writing this story taught me that i couldnt rlly live w/o it. thank you all so much for all the support!! i know this year has been hard on everyone, but i hope some of my works were able to help you, even if its just a little. what i rlly want to do w the time im given is to help ppl. i think these stories have always been a part of that. thank you for giving me that chance :) im sorry ive been so ia but i have a new story thats in the works atm!! im planning to publish the 1st chapter in the next few weeks so pls stay tuned!!! thank you again ily all!!!


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